I can’t remember the last time I watched Top Gear. Yet in some ways I consider myself ‘a fan’ of the programme. Contradictory? Possibly, but I don’t care. I’m a fan because when I do catch bits of it I heartily approve. They slag off battery-powered Noddy cars, they crash lorries into school buildings, they put supermodels into a Vauxhall Nova and race them round a track in the rain and they insult virtually everybody. And they revere BIG fucking engines in ridiculously over-powered cars.

Its like the police. I never call them, don’t speak to them, but its reassuring to know they’re there.

And the problem is: Top Gear IS Jeremy Clarkson. Ok, there’s James May and Richard Hammond in there to make up the numbers, as straight men to share his insults and (much more mild forms of) abuse, to compete with and get pally with. But Clarkson is 76% of the show. (I could explain how I arrived, very scientifically and statistically valid-ly at that number but you lack the understanding of numbers to follow).

And now he’s gone. Forever. Which will cost the BBC (which is ME, and even you) £50million a year in lost income. Yet he had to go. You simply can’t punch a colleague in the face because he did his job badly, even if you want to and he deserved it. Its just unacceptable in any situation.

James May & Richard Hammond have stood out ‘in solidarity’ now and said they may not go on without him. Like in some Victorian romantic melodrama. But really they’re not in a great place, whatever happens. Because if there’s a new ‘main dude’ and its a success he will take all the credit. And if it fails, Hammond & May’s good light under Clarkson will dim significantly for being there as mere useless foils to Jeremy’s brilliance and they’re nothing without him.

There’s also the question; if the BBC don’t run Top Gear then who will? Because its a massive success financially. Yet would be very difficult to run on commercial tv upon which there are more car adverts than anything else. So would Top Gear be at liberty to slag off the new Skoda as a ‘worthless piece of shit’ when the parent company spends £10million a year on advertising on that channel? And if not, would it still be Top Gear? Or become a ‘nice’ and ‘sanitised’ and ‘inoffensive’ Top Gear that everyone would consequently hate?

Chris Evans is seen as ‘the man most likely’ because, like Clarkson, he’s objectionable and loves fast cars. But he’s just too enthusiastic whereas Clarkson was melancholy to the point of lethargy. Jodie Kidd is in the frame too. Because she managed to get her high heel stuck under the accelerator whilst being the ‘star in a car’ and did a fast lap as a consequence. Or some geezer no-one’s heard of who’s a TT bike racer.

Its all a worry.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx