A woman had a terrible reaction to her Botox fix. Ended up in hospital with her eyes so swollen they wouldn’t open, lots of pain and terrible swelling in her skin. Friends told her that at least there were no wrinkles. If she could have smiled, she would have.

I’m not saying this woman is a moron. She was given dodgy, black market Botox from China (where else?) and had a not uncommon reaction from injecting rubbish into your face.

So I have to ask: why fuck about with some delusion of youthful appearance at the potential cost of looking much worse than you did before? I keep seeing women on the tube with ‘those lips’. And I think ‘WTF?’ Which is not the normal ‘what the fuck?’ but the more appropriate ‘why the fuck?’ Because I get that kids who spend an inordinate length of time online are presented with endless images of ‘physical perfection’. And then they get ideas from the actual brain-dead like Kim Kardashian, who gives the message that whatever you wish to look like, however ridiculous, it can be achieved with sufficient surgical assistance.

People assume that I’ve had masses of surgery, that this level of beauty and youth simply could not be natural. Well it’s not. Its supernatural. And for those who aspire to such physical perfection my advice is simple: never look in a mirror and create the delusion of your choice. But fuck about with needles? I’d rather look like… a man of 68 who looks 78 and needs work done.

The problem in Japan though, is low birth-rate. Same as Italy. The men are too ugly to find women willing to have sex with them. Or vice versa. Yet, surprisingly, this has nothing to do with desirability. This is a truly troubling phenomenon where people aren’t hooking up and when they do, they decide not to procreate. They haven’t read their bibles sufficiently about go forth and multiply, so they don’t. The problem being that within about 10 years over a third of the population will be retired and needing medical care and pensions, with insufficient workers to top up the funds. And there will end what for most countries is a giant Ponsi scheme. But what is similar with Japan and Italy is that they don’t encourage much immigration. Which is arguably the solution to this problem. Except immigrants get old too, eventually, unless you can find ways to get rid of them once they pass 60. Donald Trump could do it.

Happy FA Cup Saturday

A xxxx