Its horrible when your heroes let you down. When your favourite actor turns out to be a drug-crazed serial child-molester, when your favourite footballer is arrested for rape, when your favourite mp turns out to be an Arsenal fan. Or when your favourite company turns out to be just like all the others.

For years I’ve been an evangelical Amazonian. Amazon is just a brilliant company, I would say to any who would listen and many who really didn’t want to. But they’re great! I’d say, they are so efficient, so cheap, so reliable, so thorough, and: if you have a problem they will sort it out so easily, no nicely, so considerately. I love(d) them like no other.

This hero-worship came about mainly because of a few incidents. Like when I sat on Mel’s kindle. Her 7 day-old kindle. Ooops. They were lovely, they were caring, they replaced it at a discount, they sent the new one in day, all was great. As it was when Mel dropped the next one in the bath. They were great. And everything was fast and furious and fabulous in Amazon-land.

And they kept growing. And growing. And, fertilised by all that unpaid tax (for which I fucking forgave them totally, just because they were Amazon), they grew bigger and bigger and bigger.

Two weeks ago I left my kindle of a bus. A number 11 if you’re interested. Big red one, if you’re not. The kindle was 3 or 4 years old but its upsetting. But heh; this is Amazon. THEY CARE.

Well, they did. In the old days (2012). This time my request was met by a stony-sounding automaton spurting the company line. No, we don’t discount for that.

It wasn’t the tenner off that bothered me. It was his horrible attitude. Gone was the friendly Irish people I’d previously engaged with. This was someone who sounded a bit like Stephen Hawking reading from a corporate auto-cue.

So I wrote to Jeff Bezos. You can do that. Explained my disappointment. Unfortunately and surprisingly, Jeff was a bit busy, so I got a reply from a clone (they can do that at Amazon, they can do anything) or from some 5th grade minion with absolutely no sense of humour or ability to answer the question asked. Instead he sent me a full-page disclaimer of all Amazon responsibility, a copy of the kindle warranty, the terms and conditions of the sale, countersigned by 3 lawyers and a judge. Like I didn’t realise that ME leaving MY 4 year-old kindle on a bus was in fact down to me.

Tosser.

I’ve also noticed that the ‘free postage’ option has changed at my former fave corporation. You would generally receive goods within a couple of days. But since they invented Amazon Prime (which gives you FREE next day delivery, for a tenner a month… otherwise its free), and charge a hefty premium to buy a next day charge, their normal delivery has become decidedly third-rate. Its almost as if you’re being punished for not being a ‘prime’ customer. Almost?

But again, it ain’t about the money. Its about the general attitude of the company changing from one that really strived to care to one that is more concerned about exonerating itself from any responsibility including being nice to its customers.

I have a new kindle, of course, named ‘Andy’s 7th Kindle’, when we only have 2, but I am so over Amazon. I wish I could stop shopping with them but for some things, like tennis balls, its just impossible to beat them. I just hate them now. And I hate Jeff, and I’m gonna tell all my friend to abandon them for a massive failure. From being a fantastically successful company who are so much better than all the rest, they’re now just a group of stereotypically inaccessible corporate shit-heads. Don’t expect anything else from them. You won’t get it.

Happy Monday from the Ramon Crater. (oh, look it up, then you will know)

A xxxx