Remember my name. I wanna live foreverrrrrr…

Do you want to live forever? I’m not sure if it was turning 60 wot done it but I find myself far more interested in articles and debates about assisted dying than I am about ‘living 30 years longer!’ Because who wants to live as a cabbage? With non-functioning limbs, heart-failure and no memory? At the first mention of ‘changing my nappy’ I’m fucking out of here, I can tell you. And despite the range of euthanasia discussions, I reckon, roughly, (very, very, VERY roughly) that 90% of people are in favour of just having the choice to choose when they go. A minister visited an elderly care home, non-dementia, and 49 out of 50 of the people living there were in favour. Just normal people. Its only that the government are making it such a mine-field that prevents there being a Dignitas centre in every Sainsburys. Of course the church and the Irish make a big fuss about all things that aren’t expressed literally in the bible, but normal people are all in favour. As long as ‘safeguards’ are in place for the ‘vulnerable’. Whatever the fuck that actually means. Because any system that is in place will unquestionably demand that the state of mind of the murderee be established by certain criteria. So where’s the problem?

But it doesn’t matter now anyway as we’re never gonna die. A professor at Harvard has come with a modestly named product: Rejuvenate Bio, which makes dogs, generally, Beagles, specifically, live longer!!! How he’s established this when he only did the trial last year I don’t exactly know. But that’s only because I’m not a scientist. But live longer they will. And now, having not even let the puncture wound from the injections on the poor doggies heal, he wants to extend the trials to humans too. See if we start sniffing each others arses and pissing on trees. Ok, that was crass. Because the drug, a genetic kind of deal, prevents heart failure and muscle wastage. Allegedly. And he reckons it will let us live to 130. Unfortunately we’ll all be dead by the time this claim is actually proven, obviously.

And losing your memory is no longer a problem anyway. Particularly if you happen to be a sea slug. They injected (they do a lot of that in America) these poor, rudimentary creatures with cells from other creatures which had been ‘trained’ in electric aversion stimuli (shine a light and follow it with an electric shock and pretty damn soon you freak out when you see that light; I tried it myself…). And the sea slugs, who’d never ‘seen that light’ freaked out as if they had. Wow. As if some part of memory of one animal can be transferred, in just the cellular make-up, to another. So if you injected me with some of Stephen Hawking’s cells I’d ‘remember’ the grand unified theory of everything! Or I’d just sit in a chair dribbling.

I love science. But I really love scientific claims. And I want to know how making some poor marine low-life freak out to unnecessary stimuli is going to help MEEEEE.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx