They’ve just brought out Fast n Furious part 7. Its a franchise. A very successful one. Built on the formula of ‘drive ’em fast, crash ’em hard’. Never fails. Brilliant.

I haven’t seen any. Not in full. Nor will I bother with the new one. There’s no point. Not like ‘you’ll miss something’ if you just watch a bit when they come round on tv. As they all do, parts 1 to 6, fairly regularly. Its not a case of ‘understanding the plot’ because there are no plots. That’s why they’re so watchable. Just join half way through and enjoy them riding really fast cars really fast-ly. And crashing them. And giving smouldering looks. Lots of smoulder goes on. And if anyone asks you ‘well who’s that then?’ or ‘is that a good guy or a baddie’, just tell them to shut up and just watch the cars crash.

And to listen.

Not to the lines spoken, they’re banal, irrelevant and laughable poor. But to the cars. Listen to the engines.

I kind’a got hooked on the F&Fs when number 1 (or should it be number 0?) appeared late one night on a tv near me. Very near me. And just as the thought ‘oh, not Vin effin Diesel; he’s useless’ went through my mind and my finger poised over the channel-changer, Vin stepped back to reveal a monster. A real monster. In the best sense of the word. A 1970 Dodge Charger R/T. But not just any example. This one was big and black and had a big lump of supercharger sticking so far out of the top of the bonnet that you could only wonder how the driver could see where he was going. And we learned (see, you do learn some things in F&F movies) that this particular car had had ‘work done’. Not botox, exactly, more super-steroids.

And it was that point that the love affair between me and Fast n Furious began.

Because the Dodge Charger R/T was the most ridiculous car ever to leave a production line. Even an American production line in 1970 (when ‘gas’ was under $1 a gallon, would last forever and ‘global warming’ was something that happened every summertime in Hawaii). Because it wasn’t a ‘car’ in any normal sense. It was a 500 horsepower, 7-litre, V-8 drag-racer that had been slightly modified so it could go to Sainsburys once a week and take the kids to school. Very quickly.

And in that movie, Vin Diesel (well, his dad actually, if you are interested in the story) boosted this ultimate street-car racing speed machine up to 1000 horsepower. Which is a bit like giving The Queen another castle. Or giving Ed Miliband another bacon sandwich. Unnecessary and excessive. Doesn’t work with the Queen, Ed Miliband is unnecessary before you start and the Dodge simply oozing testosterone long before Vin’s dad jacked it up. But in cars, excessive is what its really all about. Who wants 4 cylinders when 8 will give you more power, more muscle, and much, much more NOISE.

I need a new hobby now the football’s gone to shit.

Happy bank holiday Monday

A xxxx