I fasted. Yesterday. Yom Kippur. The fast day. 25 hours, no food. Not a morsel. Then you go to someone’s house, in our case that of my brother, and eat 72 hours worth of food in 22 minutes. The 25 hours is the ‘rule’, the other statistics just mere testament to piggishness. The best piggishness you can ever get because, after the ‘deprivation’, there’s no guilt. Pile it high and eat it fast. Food never tastes better. You’re not supposed to drink anything either, but I kind’a ignore that. Because the fasting thing is symbolic and I’m opposed to literal interpretations altogether, but especially when they inconvenience me greatly.

The thing is, I have no idea why I fast. Ok, I’m a Jew and that’s what ‘they’ do on Yom Kippur, but I’m a cultural Jew, not a religious or in any way spiritual one. What is euphemistically known as a ‘chopped liver Jew’. Ironic term considering the debate in question. Because on that most sacred of days I become the ‘no-chopped-liver-jew’.

We are atoning for our ‘sins’. And everyone sins. Even Jesus sinned. Adam; the original sinner. Had sex with Eve, to produce children when they weren’t married. Couldn’t in fact marry because she was ‘created’ from his rib, making her, presumably, a genetically identical clone, other than the ‘bits’, obviously. And you can’t marry a clone. So sinning is normal.

But we don’t kind’a beat ourselves up over the insults, the slights, the nastiness, the road-rage, the dubious expenses claimed against tax or anything over the last year. We’re not Catholics. We’re not fasting as ‘punishment’.

The idea is that on Yom Kippur we enter such a spiritual state that we simply ignore our bodily demands. We’re just too busy being ‘up there’ with God to concern ourselves with mere physical functionality. Ok, the toilet is possibly an exception to avoid unwanted smells in the synagogue due to all the pissing angels. Other than that we don’t eat, we don’t drink, we’re not supposed to shower or shave or wax our legs (epilating is acceptable but not using electricity). We’re not allowed to rape anybody on Yom Kippur, nor start a fight with the rabbi. We leave our bodies and enter prayer and spirituality and… and… ommmmhhh…

Ok, we don’t meditate like that, we use unintelligible Hebrew instead, but same difference.

I like the message though. We have ‘sinned’ as every human does, but we’re going to improve next year. We make a plan to do that. And improvement is good. We can improve as a person. Because I don’t think home improvements count in the spiritual world.

And my personal improvement did indeed manifest itself for up to 45 seconds after the fast finished and I found myself driving behind a total tosser and had to let everyone in the car know. Sorry God, I’ll try harder next year. It’s just that if You’re so omnipotent why do You allow so many useless drivers on our roads? Just askin’…

Happy calm, relaxed, improved Thursday

A xxxx