In 1762, John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich (no spoilers here) invented the doner kebab. The legend goes that he was such a compulsive gambler that he wouldn’t leave the tables to eat and demanded, as Earl’s do, that food be brought that he could eat with his hands. Well, preferably with one hand so he could do gambly things with the other. Or scratch his nose. So he requested that someone put some roast beef between two slices of multi-grain, half-spelt, no added salt, reduced fat, sourdough… breads, and bring it to him. They couldn’t find a beef handy so went round the corner to the Turkish and grabbed him a doner instead. Or possibly went on a crusade to Turkey and got the real thing. In which case it would probably be 1773, allowing for traffic. Good ole Jonny Sandwich.

But I remain unconvinced. Bread was introduced to the world in about 8000BC. I checked. Ok, it wasn’t Hovis and it probably didn’t come in bags (bags weren’t invented until Lord Bag, another gambler, probably, put his winnings into… something, and defined it forevermore) but it was bread. And they’re telling me, and possibly you too, that it took a further 9762 years before anyone got the idea of, like, sort of, kind’a, putting something IN IT!!, before eating? So it should be called an Ug. After the cave dweller who first put the leg of a fresh killed stag inside his bread. Or, possibly, be called the Bin-Ug, as the cave in question was in Egypt.

And it seems even more wronger that the sandwich was named not after the person who made it but the person who, in desperation, just barked a few orders rudely. Like some proto-Gordon Ramsey. Without the expletives. (Lord Expletive, 1439 and the Duke of Fuck-Shit, 1527)

However, I love a sandwich. And wanted to share today’s with you. Not in the ‘break bread together’ meaning, I would kill you stone dead if you even touched any part of my lunch, but ‘sharing’ in the nice, soft, cuddly way. Because this one was worthy of sharing. This was my opus magnus and was even nicer than a stag’s leg in pitta. Because it contained: (from the bottom up), avocado, hummus, cheddar cheese, coleslaw, sliced pickled gherkin, sliced boiled egg, sliced tomato and chilli-mayonnaise. It was simply wonderful. I was going to make the ‘low calorie’ version, but when I took the slice of tomato out it went lop-sided, so I went ‘full fat’. Lots of people would find this a ‘mess’. Others would doubtless love the total taste ‘explosion’ that every mouthful provides. Even though actually getting it in the mouth is not easy. Lila’s mummy would be gagging just reading the ingredients. She’s like that. Others should replicate. It’s worth the effort. But you need a fabulous roll to do it justice. And then send me 50p because I’ve patented it. And I’ll know.

Happy Monday

A xxxx