David Attenborough is 91 years old. That’s ancient. Makes me feel young. And yet makes he best tv programmes ever. As he has for 700 years. The latest series started last night, Blue Planet 2. About the seas. Hence ‘blue’. Goddit? And the sheer majesty of his programmes just sets them apart from every other show on tv. The photography is better than on Strictly Come Prancing, the drama higher than whether Sophie’s tarts will rise on Bake Off, more excitement than Bristol City vs Skelmersdale on a Thursday night in November. Wow. David is not the only one responsible for the magnificence of the series, there’s probably one or two other people peripherally involved. But I think he does most of the ‘heavy lifting’ himself. And although we, as the viewers, can delude ourselves into thinking that we’re embarked upon a noble quest for education, for information and enlightenment of a- intillec-chul nature, really its just another hour spent stodging out in front of the tv with a bag (family size) of Doritos and guacamole. Maybe a few beers. “Don’t disturb me, Darling, I’m engaged in my further education, innit”.

And there among the pods of dolphins surfing immense waves and massive fishes leaping 3 metres out of the water to catch birds in flight, was a fascinating little snippet. About what I’ll call ‘Ugly Fish’ but in fact are kobudai. The weirdest fish ever. Not just because its ugly, lots of fishes are. Lots of people are. But because of the life-cycle. The mature males mate with the mature females. You can tell them apart because the males are 3 times the size, 5 times as ugly and have a massive lump on their heads. Like another head. Attractive. The females do their mating thing for a year or whatever, then they go into a cave. And change into a male. They grow, they get the head-lump, they get really ugly, and hey presto: I’M A MAN!!!! Who then goes out looking for females with which to mate.

In evolutionary terms this is a great thing. Gives the females more chances of producing offspring that carry her genes. But fuck me (unfortunately, due to timing, the kabudai can’t fuck themselves) it puts a new slant on the whole ‘trans’ thing.

Kabudai live in Japan. They probably banned from Saudi Arabia, Russia and Iran. Aren’t allowed to swim in Alabama or Tennessee. Japan’s safe for them. They have a high threshold to odd perversions over there. Not that I’m judging or stereotyping. Heaven forbid.

I only watched the first half of the programme due to ‘factors beyond my control’. Was one’a those weekends. And now I’m intrigued to see the rest.

Because, more than anything else, David Attenborough just tells the story. In ‘neutral’. He doesn’t shout and scream and he certainly doesn’t use that ‘high drama’ voice that all the other ‘nature’ programmes do when the shark’s gonna strike, when the eel’s racing out of the coral, when an innocuous looking bit of sea weed develops teeth and consumes a whale, whole. He lets nature tell the story. He just fills in the bits. Bless him.

Happy Monday

A xxxx