… I smell the blood of a weasly little Swiss Mun.

Its all, finally, gone to shit at FIFA, the world governing body for football. Or rather, the shit that has been happening for the past quarter of a century has finally come to light. Thanks to that most unlikely of un-footballing nations, America. They may not know the difference between a ‘midfield diamond’ and a corned-beef-on-rye (hold the mustard) but they know about corruption when they see it. And at FIFA they saw plenty. The organisation is rife with it, and has been since 1991. Over a hundred million pounds paid out in bribes by various marketing companies for various World Cup rights, and that’s before we start on the votes and the bids.

Because let’s face it; there is no way on Earth that Qatar would be hosting the 2022 World Cup without some serious dosh changing hands under the table. Our four-yearly international footballing feast is a SUMMER COMPETITION. You can’t play football in 50 degrees. You can barely go to Tescos in an air-conditioned car to buy a pint of milk in 50 degrees. Human rights issues and jihadist funding actually take second place for once to the sheer impracticality of hosting a football competition somewhere where it simply can’t be played. And why would you? The World Cup is supposed to go to ‘footballing nations’.

Russia is a footballing nation. Its also a very horrible nation indeed. So the 2018 World Cup in Russia is also seen as a bit of an anomaly. How could that happen? Ahhhh, cross enough palms and anything can happen.

Fourteen FIFA executives are facing corruption charges. But not Sepp Blatter. Not Teflon Man. In fact the President of FIFA decided on the party line, which was to say how pleased FIFA are that this terrible corruption in their midst will now be cleaned up. Yeah, by someone else. And it begs the truly MASSSSSIVE question: what the fuck has the President been doing not to notice all the shit flying all around him for 17 years? Even if he is truly ‘innocent’ of any corruption, he must surely be the most naive, negligent and imbecilic President of any company ever.

Any decent man would swallow the bullet. But Sepp’s never been decent. He wouldn’t know ‘decent’ if it bit him on the wallet. He’s a tosser.

The Official World Cup sponsors are also, understandably, up in arms and putting pressure on FIFA. McDonalds, so a spokesman said: “takes matters of ethics and corruption very seriously”. Unfortunately, McDonalds isn’t so serious about the obesity of 2 entire generations. Whereas Coca-Cola, the other gut-expanding sponsor of this athletic event (lucky Americans don’t do ‘irony’ really) are similarly disgusted and feel the competition is now forever ‘tarnished’.

This is what you do:

1. Get rid of Blatter, now, today, right now, kill him if you have to.
2. Move the 2018 World Cup to England.
3. Move the 2022 World Cup to England.
4. Appoint Gary Linneker standing President of FIFA.
5. Get rid of FIFA altogether so Gary can go back to Match of the Day.

This may be awful but its not exactly a surprise, is it?

Happy Thursday

A xxxxx