These are a few of my favourite things, not in the Julie Andrews way; football, films, fuck-ups and food. The photo above I’ll get to later. It will divide. 50% of people will be excited, the other 50, bored and uninterested. So today its food. Real food. And you can’t get more real than sausages. Well, maybe you can, but its my page and that’s what I’m talking about.

In particular, pork sausages. Even though they’re discriminatory. Against both Jews and Muslims and therefore should offend everyone. And yet its only the vegans who complain. Go figure.

They couldn’t exactly re-invent the wheel but they have re-invented the next best thing: the sausage. They took a small piece of pig (who is, I kid you not, anaesthetised at the time), in fact a tiny piece of muscle and a tiny piece of fat. And they send these to a scientist who… does things with them. Like… genetic stuff… like… cloning type activities, and a few weeks later, hey presto, a pork sausage!!! And yet, the ‘donor’, we’ll call him Piglet, though his real name is withheld, is alive and well and all healed from his minor ‘procedure’!!! In fact you don’t just get one sausages, you get shed loads. Without blood being spilled. Ok, a little spilled but no deaths are incurred in the production of these sausages. And they only cost about 25% more than normal sausages! So when your friends come round for a barbecue, they’ll know that you ARE in fact not just the dickhead they thought you were, but a new, extravagant and totally stupid dickhead who pays too much for a fashion item. And then, two weeks later they all turn into pigs so it doesn’t matter what they think. The risk of GM foods.

In a survey, 75% of people said they’d eat them. And 100% of pigs said it was a brilliant idea.

Then they tried it with a prawn but it wriggled at the wrong moment and… and… I’m sorry.

Marmite with chilli. The world’s most divisive food is not happy with upsetting half the world’s population, it now wants to alienate those in the ‘love it’ half who don’t like chilli. People like my wife. Loves marmite, hates chilli. And although I’m a ‘love it’ dude, I don’t eat it often. But I do like chilli. In fact I love chilli much more than I love marmite. And thus this ‘limited edition’ has me eating marmite again. Will I buy another? Probably not. But I’m enjoying the ride.

Happy Monday

A xxxx