Chelsea football club is for sale. You’ll need a few bob to buy it. But you’ll need much, much, much more to sustain it. Because Chelsea, like most (but thankfully not all) ‘big’ clubs, makes massive financial losses every year. Which turned Abramovich’s initial 140 million purchase of the club (including the debts) into a ‘loan’ over the last 15 years, of 1.1 billion quid. Fair enough, he can afford it. Because for his investment of 1.25 bil, Abramovich has first and foremost bought himself a place in society, a place somewhere near, but not quite immersed in, a community (of right-wing, aggressive, hard-core, violent anti-semites… and David Baddeil) above whom he hovers as benign and omnipotent benefactor and the enabler of their dreams. That was his mission. To create a profile. Not as a gangster. Not as one of Putin’s ‘untouchables’, not as someone who sold his soul to many devils to acquire massive wealth in such a short time. But as a kind of ‘celeb’. As someone ‘clean’.

He also raised Chelsea’s profile, from mid-table wannabes to consistent league winners and, most coveted of all, winners of a Champions League, albeit the worst final (for Spurs fans) ever. And as the team becomes bigger and attracts true world class star names, so the ‘brand’ of Chelsea becomes more saleable. Sponsorships become massive, sales increase worldwide, tv gives more. And thus, if you want to buy Chelsea today, and some even want to, the minimum to be considered is 2.5 billion pounds. But remember; what you’re actually buying, just from a business point of view, is the right to spend at least another billion (plus the new stadium in all likelihood, for another bil) over the next decade. By which time you’ll sell them for 6 bil. That seems to be the modern football business model. Invest, invest, invest until you’re very blood runs dry, then sell for a massive profit.

Clubs get bought and sold. Managers get bought and sold. Players get bought and sold.

I’d like to offer myself as a ‘fan for sale’. I’m good, loving, loyal (for the purposes outside the present conversation), devoted and really proficient at annoying fans of other clubs. I shout loud, swear often and sing like a dog-during-castration. I’ll even buy my own scarf. A bargain at £220,000… ok, £125,000 if its lower league. But £5million for Arsenal. And there isn’t enough money for me to go to West Ham or Chelsea. But Abramovich is welcome to make an offer through his usual channels.

Happy bank holiday monday

A xxxx