Exercise is good for you. Can’t play football? Don’t like tennis?? Running jars the knees, back, hips, groin…??? Then swim. Mel does it, she loves it. And although I’m loathe to admit it, she’s very good at it. Hardly ever drowns. So people say to her ‘oh, you must try open-water swimming’, or ‘well go to Hampstead Ponds, they’re marvellous’. But my wife is that oddity among swimmers. She likes to immerse herself in water which is relatively clean. The famous Hampstead Ponds (check out the little feature series on Netflix, offering the ultimate definition of ‘eccentric’, its quite brilliant) are a truly wonderful feature where those who really enjoy hypothermia can thrill themselves all winter and summer. Mel won’t go there because they sometimes have a dead rat floating on the surface. Maybe sharks lurk there too. And the water temperature varies from 2 degrees in winter, to about 3 in summer. Ok, maybe a touch more but holy shit, that’s cold.

Others take to the sea. Or to rivers, reservoirs and lakes for the ultimate ‘open water’ experience. Yet of those ‘others’, we learn in the paper today, 55% become ‘ill’ as a consequence. Sickness, diarrhoea, ear and eye infections mainly. Oh well, the other 45% are fine, whassa problem? The problem is sewage, that’s the problem. In times of heavy rainfall, flooding, when the drains struggle to cope, the sewage companies are allowed to dump… stuff, into rivers, lakes and reservoirs. Eeeuuuuwwww. Even into the sea. Even though there are a hundred organisations and committees dedicated to improving the water quality around our shores and in our rivers. Think of the fish, FFS!!!

It’s not a problem for me, particularly, because on the odd occasion we venture into the sea, its not around Britain. And in the time it takes Mel to enter the water, swim 2k and return to the shore, I’ve just gone in up to my knees, wincing and shrieking as I go, with every inch the water rises up my body. I just hate walking into water. I’m not Jesus, never claimed to be. I’m a different Jew. One who hates cold water. Even when its really not that cold. Swimming pools are different. I can dive in, however cool it may be. It’s just the sea and the morbid fear of frostbite on my testicles. Even when the water’s relatively warm.

Which is why I play tennis.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx