Do you remember when Volkswagen did that whole cheating thing with emissions testing of their diesel cars? Remember? Of course you do, it was only a few months ago. During which time nothing much has happened. Other than Jay Leno demanding someone goes to prison for the offences. He would. He’s American. I’m only surprised he didn’t demand the death penalty.

The level of sophistication of the cheating was so cynical by VW that normally I’d be crying out for dead Germans too. But they were also victim of the world’s obsession with compromising car performance over exhaust emissions. Breaking the cardinal rule that: cars should always be made as fast as you can possibly make them. So the VWs appeared to be emitting pure oxygen lightly scented with Chanel No. 5 during the tests, whereas on the road they churned out more shit than 17 London buses.

Hateful thing to do. Except for all the smugger-than-thou diesel buyers who suddenly found themselves shut out of Green Party meetings, Tree-Hugger Association camps and Vegan Support Groups. They’ll eventually receive compensation for all that emotional distress, but for them the damage is done and they’ll never get to heaven. Or if they do it’ll look like Shanghai with clouds of pollution clogging up their wings.

And now, in an effort to redeem themselves to the world, VW have brought out a new car. A proper one. One that doesn’t pretend to be ‘cleaner’, makes no mention of ’emissions’ whatsoever and comes with a guarantee that if you breathe anywhere near it you will die.

But its fast. Oh, fuck me, is it fast.

The Bugatti Chiron (Bugatti may sound Italian, may have an Italian heritage, but, just like Lamborghini, its now VW through and through) is the car that replaces the Veyron. Which was the first production car to produce 1000 horse power. And was such a remarkable feat of engineering achievement that even though it looked, so some thought, a little ‘normal’, was spectacularly wonderful in every way. So with this new model, they haven’t gone the full ‘Lambo’ and pimped it up like a space rocket, but it does indeed look the bizniss. Which it emphatically is.

This one gives (just) 1,500 horse-power. Is it enough? It goes from 0 to 60 mph before you take the handbrake off, and is ‘limited’ in road use, to just 261mph. I hate limits. You do get a ‘speed key’ for when you need to go faster. Jesus. And all that for a mere 2.3 million quid. What a bargain.

I’m going to trade in my old, sluggish, diesel, rusty VW Mertersacker and buy one tomorrow.

The Premiership got a whole lot more interesting this weekend. Particularly the whole 4th place thing. Man City should still do it, Arsenal probably will. But if either stumble or stutter, despite Man United making every effort at total failure this season, they’re hanging in even with the recent onslaught by West Ham (in Europe?? Whatever next?) and even Liverpool who seem to be cheating their way rather nicely up the table.

Happy Monday

A xxxx