I’m a terrible cynic when it comes to ‘statistics’. Not that maths doesn’t work, or is somehow ‘broken’, or I doubt the ability of statisticians to get the right answer, its just that I can’t help but ask certain questions. Like ‘who is paying for the statistical analysis?’, like ‘are they including all data, including that which is prejudicial to the sponsor’s desired result?’, like ‘in what world is a “probability of 5%” any kind of “proof” that the events are NOT just down to random chance?’ Loads of questions. All unanswered, ergo: my mantra: all statistics is bollocks.

And then they publish statistics which is so profoundly simple and right and intuitive that it rekindles my trust in… in… well, in this particular study and no others.

The link between ski accidents and alcohol. Because during the ski season, (ie when there’s snow somewhere), 1000 Britons alone get injured in accidents every fucking day. That’s not statistics, just a fact. A quite amazing and very scary fact. Does this mean that we, the Brits, are just shit skiers? And that the French only suffer 22 accidents per day, the Germans 37 (poorer style than the French) and the Italians only 17 because they seldom leave the bar/restaurant and actually go anywhere? They didn’t actually issue national comparisons, those numbers are mine and hence pure, intentional bollocks.

They had experienced skiers do a ‘run’ on a simulator. Then they plied them with alcohol and had them repeat it. And guess what? Bet you can’t. Big surprise: after boozing the same skiers were 43% more likely to have an accident. Holy shit! Who could have imagined that? A big enough number to be well beyond dispute.

And yet loads of skiers have a drink at lunchtime. Beers with their chips. Wine with their pasta. Shots of limoncello with more shots of other, less medicinal booze.

A third of people questioned stated that ‘alcohol makes them a better skier’. Just like it makes you a better driver. Better dancer. A person more in control. Yet statistics might claim otherwise. No-one uses the expression ‘one for the road’ any longer.

The odd thing is that in ‘Europe’ (real, mainland, foreign, ‘over there’, Europe) where they have a different relationship with alcohol to the Brits (everyone on the planet has a different relationship than the Brits), you see your ski instructor take his morning espresso with a brandy. His lunch with three bottles of red. If he stops for another coffee it will always be accompanied by hard liquor. And he skies like Jean Claude Killy all day. Though he was probably pissed all day too. By comparison, Eddie the Eagle, didn’t drink at all. Hmmmm…

So I hate statistics when they get it right. Because it just takes away our fun.

Happy dry Wednesday

A xxxx