We didn’t exactly get ‘thrown out’ of the Vatican, because at the last moment I managed to not cry out ‘YID ARMEEEEE’ on grounds of impropriety. But we were turned away from the entry. Because Mel is such a hooligan. Ok, she was wearing a (gorgeous little, obvs) dress that failed to cover her shoulders. Which was the official reason given but I think its just because the catholic police know trouble when they see it and sometimes it comes in very small packages.

The covered shoulders thing is a red line out there in Pope City, they turned many away. Because bare shoulders are… hmmm… are obviously… sexual? provocative? alluring? will lead inevitably to sin and therefore HELL!!! But heh, we didn’t argue, rules are rules. Nor did I point out that behind half the closed doors upstairs in the Vatican you could probably find little alter boys giving ‘spiritual relief’ to rotten old cardinals. But bare a shoulder and yer outta here.

But its Rome. And full of magic absolutely everywhere. So although my idea of Rome is along the lines of ‘how many coffee shops and cafes can you sit outside and watch the world go by before its time to start on the spritzers?’ Mel needs some pure culture. Not culture by association like wot I like. So we chose a museum. Out of the 43,591 that there are there, we chose to visit the Palazzo Altemps. And its the best one here, by miles, and that’s based on probably seeing 3 of the others (possibly) over the last 15 years. An informed choice.

Its an old palace. Doh. And therefore big and airy and wonderful. And its quiet and cool and peaceful, where just 20 steps away there’s 20 million tourists screaming and shouting and taking selfies. The rooms are massive but have maybe 2 or 3 sculptures in each, a couple of paintings, that’s it. And there’s funny too. The original artefacts from the 16th and 17th centuries and the collections of antiquities were arranged by the artist/designer Fornasetti who chose to add bikes and electric guitars to the mix. And, in the photo of Mel’s filthy shoulders above, a ‘person’ taking a selfie, but its just an installation. No-one there would be so uncool as to take a real, non-ironic selfie.

From there we chanced upon an incredible church, San Andreas della Valle. Fucking massive place with the second biggest dome after the Vatican and the usual art and sculptures and Jesus dying a million deaths, all depicted by the great masters. But the place barely gets a mention in the guides. Which is great because it was quiet and free. And more fashionable than the Vatican because bare shoulders are almost ‘de rigeur’ in there.

And while all this was going on, England have almost won the bloody world cup. Showed them Belges what ‘goal difference’ really means.

Happy Monday

A xxxx