Good Morning people of Great Britain. I am your Prime Minister, Boris Johnson. Middle name ‘Disaster’. And I speak to you today with good news. In fact, great news. News so profound, fabulous and wonderful that you’ll love me forever (I can live without that, if I’m honest, which I try never to be) and vote for me in future (which I need desperately).

I’d like to announce that I have beaten this pesky Coronavirus which has plagued all our lives for the last 2 years. I have vanquished it. Personally. Defeated it like Perseus slaying the Gorgon. And thus have delivered you, the good people of Great Britain, into the Promised Land, like Moses. Churchill comparisons simply lack the potency for my achievements.

Not wishing to overstate my importance in all this, but I did it all, and virtually alone. Despite the distraction of all those scientists, statisticians and medical modellers. And although it may have looked, at times, as if I knew far less than ‘nothing’, that my understanding of the pandemic was ‘a mile short of fuck all’, and that my own deportment during it could be seen, by some, as being somewhat less than perfect, I have brought you out of it. With a combination of MY amazing vaccine programme, subsidised lockdowns, rule changes every 37 minutes, disrupting lives, ruining holiday plans and upsetting brides-never-to-be and total headless chicken reactionary panic, I have brought us out the other side.

As of the 21st of this month, we will all be free!!! From constraints, from ‘Covid measures’, from worrying about this horrible disease.

And that, again, as in all of the good things, is MY decision. You, my people, crave normality. A return to work, to the office, to schools, to have the delayed operations in hospitals, holidays. And I, Boris Johnson, will give you precisely that.

Because I don’t really care what the doctors say, which is: ‘you’re fucking mad, Boris!’, and I don’t care what the statisticians say, which is: ‘well you’ve lost 160,000 voters so far, Boris, what’s a few more thousands?’ And I don’t care what people who actually understand such things say.

I only care about you! And need to give you a lot of love before the police inquiry into my appalling behaviour becomes public. I want you to know that its all for YOU. Even though it looks very much like it was all for me. And if I told a few porky pies, it was just… it was… because… well, what difference, that’s all in the past now.

We’re looking forward. To hope! To a full life once more. To a future! At least for some of you.

From your hero,

Boris
xxxx