Or TO Russia actually, as today is the draw for next summer’s World Cup in that lovely country. How the Russians won the bid to host the tournament would be something of a mystery, a bit like Russia itself. But now that FIFA has been totally dismantled because of institutional corruption at all levels, also a bit like Russia itself, the picture of how the award came about is a little clearer. Either bribes were placed or threats were made. “Hchchoww you like your tea? Milk, sugar or plutonium???”

Unlike the Qatar World Cup in 2022, there are one or two mitigating circumstances for awarding the Russians such a gift. For Qatar there are none. On any level. At least Russia in the summer has temperatures in which you can play football without dying. And Russia is a ‘footballing nation’, unlike Qatar, which has no cultural history whatsoever and the main leisure pastime there is ‘money’.

A spokesman on tv when asked about any possible ‘doping issues’ with Russian footballers complained that “oh, we’ve had this nonsense after Sochi and now you ask this”. Yes, but the Sochi winter olympics were a shameful mess of state-organised drug-enhancement. To the extent that the last Summer Olympics banned Russia from playing at all because they’re all ‘roided up. Why would we expect any different from their footballers?

Then factor in the lovely fans. The most aggressive, violent, racist and homophobic football fans anywhere. Along with Poles, Serbians and most other east Europeans. Russia is indeed outwardly homophobic as a nation but as there is no overtly gay footballer anywhere in the world, that shouldn’t pose much of a problem. And when I say ‘pose’ this is no intentional slur on Christiano Ronaldo.

And Gary Linneker, the most outspoken critic of both FIFA and of Russia winning the World Cup, is the person doing the draw in Moscow today. Which is either a sign that both FIFA and Russia have indeed changed their ways and are now treading the ‘straight and narrow’, or look out for a new, gold-plated helicopter on the BBC helipad any Saturday soon.

Happy World Cup draw day

A xxxx