I can’t understand what all the fuss is about. Poor Rene Zellweger has been ‘re-done’. She’s had a make-over. Though granted, this time the ‘makeover’ is more like a Dr Who re-birth when he comes back as a different person altogether. Sometimes an older one, sometimes a younger one, but always completely different. Rene chose to ‘enhance’ her 45-year old tired look with a completely new face. Not a bad face but just one that is unrecognisably different from its previous appearance. Gone are the slitty eyes, those famously puffy cheeks. Wrinkles and lines consigned to history. And in place of that stands this new, improved, near-perfect incarnation. That looks permanently surprised, if not completely shocked. And that is how it will look, even in moments of serenity, moments of gaiety, moments of rapture, joy, sorrow and anger. That’s what you get for your $100,000. A beautiful face that doesn’t work. Personally I’ll stick with an ugly old face with full function. Bladder control is something different.

Adel Taraabt is an anagram for ‘fat bastard’. But only for dyslexics. And for Harry Rednap. There are fears the Moroccan star of QPR has become’radicalised’. By Burger King. And Pizza Hut. Greggs. Pasties Are Us. Gone are the roots of his heritage, the diet of cous-cous and fresh salads, sleeping with a goat then eating it for breakfast, now he’s just piling on the pounds. According to Our ‘Arry. Who declared Adel ‘unfit; 3-stone overweight and the most unproffessional footballer he’s ever known’. I don’t know if that includes the 3 million amateurs who play our national game every weekend. Taraabt replied by posting a photo of his flat stomach for the world to see, slagging off his manager in return. In steps the boss of Milan, where the Moroccan played on loan last year, to say that Adel was wonderful, professional, fit and dedicated. Which is presumably why they chose not to invest the 6 million quid (not a lotta money for a player) and make him a permanent fixture at the San Siro. Or, at least, at the restaurants around the San Siro. The Big Boss of QPR, Tony Fernandez, has stepped in to reconcile the manager with arguably the team’s best player. Adel would definitely argue that. Never been a modest chap. And ‘best player’ is always a tricky one when you’re bottom of the league. They need someone to step in and sort out this mess. Someone calm, intelligent, engaging and charming. Where’s Joey Barton when you need him?

It is not for nothing that Real Madrid are European Champions. They visited Liverpool yesterday and won 10-nil. But only actually bothered to score 3. It was more than enough to make a very emphatic point. That Brendan Rogers either missed or is in a world of delusion.

Happy Thursday; may your face be lifted and your tagine served on a pizza.

A xxxx