We get a new Prime Minister today. In all likelihood Liz Truss. Based only upon Rishi yesterday, who, suddenly, after months of slagging off, became really nice and conciliatory and flattering about her. Because she can give him a good job. But neither of them qualify for ‘genius’ status. Only my wife does that.

For years I’ve been making lamburgers. In all modesty, they are probably the finest lamburgers in the world. If there’s better, I’m yet to sample it. Others lack the taste, the dedication, the skill, artistry, the texture, the… the very lambiness required for perfection. I would give you the recipe but then I’d have to shoot you. Like Coca Cola, like Big Mac special sauce, this is top secret and kept in a safe in the Kremlin. Though, to be honest, it ain’t rocket science. Even though, unlike present day American ‘rocket science’, my lamburgers don’t leak. Ok, they drip a bit but that’s desirable.

So I go to our local butcher and buy lamb mince. The butcher is kosher so the mince is very, very expensive. But that merely reflects the fact that kosher meat is so kind and gentle that it almost qualifies as vegan. No, really. The sheep are kept in a 5 star hotel, grazing on a golf course. They are ‘euthanised’ by gently going to sleep. (Do sheep get to sleep by counting humans? Deep question.) And butchered with… errrr… love. Anyway, buy some fucking lamb. But then come the list of ingredients to turn a heap of pink mush into a revelation of taste and wonder!!! And it is time-consuming. I use onion, obviously, garlic and (secret ingredient number 1) fresh mint leaves!!! Which all need ‘chopping finely’. No-one wants twigs in their burger, or a big lump of onion. So I deploy the mini-food-processor. Ahhhh, that turns fingers to stumps in mere seconds, so onions and garlic? No problem. Yet there is a problem. You put the stuff in, hit the motor, the blade spins and hurls all the onion, garlic and leaves to the sides. Where they stick, remaining untouched by the blade. Shove them back to the middle, hit power and it repeats. And repeats. And…

Then Mel showed me a trick that she invented all by herself whilst making meatballs and encountering the same problem. And it is so brilliant, so simple, so… it works.

Put all the stuff to be chopped in the processor. Then add a raw egg. (Vegans may use a substitute to add to their lamb). Because any burger recipe needs eggs. And when you spin that lot, you arrive in heaven. The food processor becomes the holy grail. Filled with really finely chopped stuff. And a beaten egg. Which you needed anyway.

You’ll thank her forever. But I’ll take the credit and patent the process in MY name.

(The other secret ingredient is honey, so vegetarians can eat them too).

Happy Cooking

A xxxx