We got everyfink in London. 5 top rate football teams. And West Ham. We got theatre, movies, museums, ballet and opera, apparently, and we got pubs. Loads’a pubs. Now I ain’t personally seen a glacier in Lundun, but I bet we got at least 4. Farkin’ massive ones. Big as St Pauls’. And its probly like really neat with coloured lights on it and chrome bumpers and lampposts and everyfink.

Yet you come all the way to Patagonia and they only have a few glaciers. Though to be honest, you only need one. Preferably this one, because its accessible. Its called the Moreno Glacier. Named after a geezer called Moreno. No idea who he was but I’ll take a punt, because there are trends for getting things named for you in Argentina. You’re either a date; 9th July Squares are everywhere, 5th of May was a big day round here too. Revolution. King died. Eva Peron bought a new pair of shoes. Big event days require the naming of a plaza in every city.

As does sainthood. San Francisco is 28 times more common here than in California. Argentinians were either big fans of Bullitt or of the early work of Michael Douglas. San Martin (pronounced with an accent that my pathetically non-Hispanic ipad doesn’t do) is another. Originally San Martin de Alejandro Martinez de Marcos Morinos Maradona Messi, reduced to avoid ink wastage. He fought a dragon, deposed a tyrant, shagged the Queen and scored three against Brazil.

This glacier is in the ‘town’ of El Calafate. Which exists to ferry tourists to the glacier. Its a gorgeous little town, but its really LITTLE. And very lovely. And because the rest of Argentina produce cattle (steaks; if you weren’t aware), in Patagonia they raise sheep. Because sheep require much more land and that’s something there really is no shortage of here. Its fucking massive. And totally empty. Other than the sheep.

I ate one last night and it was absolutely the best lamb ever.

Oh yeah, glaciers. Yeah, what’s the big deal? So its 5kms wide, 14 kms long and cuts its way through mountains? That supposed to be impressive? If it was that great Roman Abramovich would have 3, right?

Yours unimpressed

A xxxx