If I’d have know that global warming was this bad, I’d have turned off my central heating boiler years ago. Got me a new wife, cos Mel would have left due to the cold, or thrown me out, due to the cold. I’d have driven petrol cars less, burned less coal, taken less flights, breathed out less and… emitted less carbon. Cos let’s face it; none of us were really that bothered about ‘the hottest year since records began’, nor the ‘longest dry spell since Harry Potter dehydrated Snape’, nor even a few freak hurricanes happening so far away they barely disturbed a single leaf outside my front door. What happens on the telly stays on the telly. I’ve barely noticed 2/3rds of tropical rainforest flora and fauna becoming extinct due to habitat changes because that doesn’t affect the price of fuel in north London.

But its seemingly been pissing down with rain constantly since the dry spell ended. We slipped from drought to flood without me noticing. One minute it was just lovely and the next tennis matches started getting cancelled. And that’s when I take note and start to question. “WHY is it fucking raining so fucking much???”, is the obvious first question. Followed by “What??? More fucking rain???” Didn’t say they were deep questions, nor thought-provoking, just obvious and rather profane. But this weather can only be attributed to ‘global warming’. In the same way people dying is attributed to ‘the NHS crisis’ and satellite-carrying rockets launched from Cornwall failing at deploying said cargo because of technical hitches.

Shit happens. Then we look for someone to blame. Personally I blame this current ‘wet spell’ (more rain in January that we usually get in 4 years, and its only the 13th) on Harry and Meghan. It’s obvious really. They’ve upset the gods. Who, for some reason, are taking it out on us. (Just a note on these gods: when Prince Andrew was abusing little girls no tennis was cancelled due to rain!!)

There’s also the ultimate irony of life on Earth. How is it that half of Sudan hasn’t had rain for 3 years and everyone’s starving when we have way more than enough to go round three times? You’d think, in these times when I can pay my gas bill whilst walking in the park, or have a geezer on a motorbike bring me the pizza of my choice, to my door, without having to speak to anyone, that someone would have worked out the water thing. Invent a barrel. Or a pipe. Because I hereby leave all ‘my’ rain to Sudan, Somalia and anyone else who wants it.

Happy dry Friday (so far)

A xxxx