In light of the recent scandal at the BBC, where those fat, middle-class white people finally saw the light and will NOT be singing the terrible, racist, xenophobic, slave-trade-throwback lyrics to either ‘Land of Hope and Glory’, or ‘Rule Britannia’, there has been uproar by the lovers of the ‘Proms’. Who are also, by sheer coincidence, fat, middle-class white people, probably enriched at some point of their almost-aristocratic history by the slave-trade or the empire. And although White Attitudes Matter, its not enough. Political correctness must not only be seen to have a total reconstructive effect on all of history, but must be adhered to with every overly pedantic consideration imaginable and, even way beyond imaginable, until every bad person who was ever… bad, according to only the most contemporary definitions of ‘bad’, has had all his statues torn down. Not ‘her statues’ because in ‘those days’ women didn’t get statues. Waste’a clay.

So because I can’t contemplate a year in which those two wonderful (?), emotional (??), uplifting (???) songs are played as instrumentals devoid of lyrics, I’ve written some new ones, which may help the situation, I sincerely hope. Bring them a little ‘up to date’. Sorely needed. Bloody fascist anthems.

Land of hope and pleasantness
Britain is so nice
we serve vegan curries,
fish and chips and rice

In this multi-cultural para-dise
where no-one ever frowns
all God’s creatures are equ-al
whatever their chosen pro-nouns

We’ve destroyed all our sta-tues
of warmongering Imperialists
so now when we’re drunk on the stree-eets
there’s nowhere left to piss.

The NHS is now sacred
now they just need to stop us getting fatter
But the police just need to learn that
Black Lives really Matter

We all hug lots of trees now
do yoga in the park
we’re so fucking peaceful,
our dogs no longer bark

etc, etc, etc…

But don’t worry. We’ve been assured that next year the old lyrics will be back. War, death, cannons, murder, discimination against all. Our history.

Happy ‘if you wish to contest or even discuss any of these matters I WILL CANCEL YOU!’ day

A xxxx