I picked up the sports pages (really? How unusual!!!) in the Times yesterday to see a seven page article about how likely, possible, almost essential and totally desirable it would be for Harry Kane to leave Spurs. So I put it down again. Burned it. Made a mess on the sheets but Mel will get over it. And buy new sheets. In disgust I picked up the Mail, turned to the back pages, and there it was: 19 great reasons for Harry Kane to leave Spurs, THIS SUMMER!!! Same fucking article, basically, just dumbed down for the Mail readers with more exclamation marks, hammy sub-headings (Kane is able; he Kane-not stay at Spurs, etc, puke, etc… ok I made those up but you get the gist). And the argument goes that all players want to win things. Not matches, they don’t count. No, they need lumps of iconic silverware (made of zinc) to feel justification of their life’s work. The assumption being that such a thing will NOT happen at Spurs. Therefore, ergo, to reconcile those two truisms, Harry must go!

No-one’s asked Harry. Though probably his agent does on a daily basis as he calculates his commission on a transfer that would carry an astronomical fee. Because Harry Kane is as incomparable as he is irreplaceable. There is simply no other player in world football with quite so many strings to their bow. An outstanding and devastating scorer of goals who can then ‘drop back’ and become creator. He may have scored his first England goal for over a year yesterday but in his last 13 matches for country he has scored or made 18 goals. Same as he does for Spurs. Making him Jamie Vardy (without the ugliness) AND Kevin de Bruyne (without the Belgiumness) combined.

So let’s assume that he does yield to the pressure from the media, because that’s where its come from, and decides to go. Where to? Daniel Levy would never sell him to ‘opposition clubs’, so he’d have to leave the country. And with an inevitable price tag of, what, 100 mil? 200 mil? attached, you’re basically talking Spain. Possibly PSG. Or to China. And love him though I do, with all my heart, he is no urbane sophisticate like Gary Lineker, able to learn Spanish in 3 days and embrace his inner-euro. He’s our ‘arry and would probably adopt the ‘duck out of water’ approach. And all he has to do is ask (at his time ‘the best player in the world’) Gareth Bale, how that worked out for him? Though if Harry is looking to reduce his golf handicap significantly, Madrid’s the place. 

So just a polite word to all reporters who have nothing better to write about and choose facile disruptive speculation as their preferred line; FUCK OFF, THE LOT OF YOU!! Harry’s going nowhere and this nonsense will then come back and make you look stupid and you’ll end up writing obituaries for the Thames Ditton Express (35p every fortnight; order your copy NOW!!!)

Happy Tennis is allowed Day

A xxxx