The late, great Alan Coren wrote a book, about nothing in particular. He asked his publishers what to call it and about the cover. As we know, everyone judges books by their covers. The publishers told him that the best selling books are always about cats or golf or nazis. So he called his book ‘golfing for cats’ and had a swastika across the entire front cover.

And now there’s almost a sequel: golfing for Saudi, with an immense, full-page dollar sign on the cover.

I’d like to state my place in this argument clearly and plainly and as ambiguity-free as a statement by Boris Johnson, in the interest of ‘transparency’ and openness. I’m not a golfer. Nor do I particularly like cats. Or nazis. But I’m not opposed to others playing it. If they have to. Which many seem to do. I don’t watch it, read about it, buy half pairs of gloves, gingham trousers or Pringle sweaters. Me and golf… nothing. But morality? Human Rights??? Those are of peripheral interest, but its the big concepts of throwing enough money at something to make any problems go away, of financial steam-rollering and of ‘buying respectability’. Sportswashing, to give it a name

The ‘Liv’ Golf Tournament started this week… somewhere. And its… golf. But its most emphatically NOT a PGA tournament. That’s golf’s governing body, the ones who put on all the ‘proper’ tournaments. So the Liv event is effectively golf’s version of the Footballing European Superleague, and every bit as popular. And the icing on the ethical cake: Liv is a Saudi Arabian brand. Owned by a sister/brother/niece/nephew/3rd-wife company of that which bought Newcastle United last year.

And let’s face it, everyone fucking hates the Saudis. We’ve never forgiven them for Osama bin Laden. We hate their money and the price of their oil, we hate their homophobic, xenophobic, women-abusing, robber-maiming ways. We hate their war in Yemen and the fact that their ‘crown Prince’ is a known murderer. Plus, they dress funny.

So therefore, playing in the Liv tournament is like playing your cricket or rugby in South Africa during the Apartheit years. It’s bad. Though you kind of get the feeling that the PGA are so scared of the challenge to their monopolistic control of a massive money sport, they’re invoking human rights abuses to invite the support that can never be denied.

Then you learn that some golfers (I’m guessing ‘good ones’, probably) are being paid $120million just to turn up. Winning not required. Pitch up, hit a few balls into the trees, car park, lake, and then retire. So much money that it is very hard to resist. One such person, already rich beyond rich from his career, spoke up how he would never condone ANY abuse of human rights. Then trousered a nine-figured wodge of wonga from the torturing, stoning-to-death warmongers.

It is a moral dilemma. I’m being offered shed-loads of cash to play golf, but the money is filthy dirty. The dilemma: do I tell my wife?

Happy Holidays, boarding now

A xxxx