The funny thing is; when I read rubbish about the benefits of eating less, or consuming more green shit, or taking meat out of a diet and replacing it with kale and beansprouts, or the benefits of yoga, or that supporting Arsenal makes you alluring to women, I immediately become a cynic-of-convenience. I don’t want that to be true and even if it is I don’t care because it doesn’t suit what I do. Its a protective mechanism designed to protect my theoretically suicidal (if you believe the theory) lifestyle involving Cadburys and kebabs.

But when I read something that agrees perfectly with my life, then I believe it, don’t question the statistics, nor the maths, nor the logic, I’m just ‘on board’ with it totally. And you can’t get a better headline than this one. If you happen to be a total devotee, practitioner and evangelist of the practice of Tai Chi.

It explains so much. To save you buying a copy of yesterday’s Times, I’ll give you the salient details. Do tai chi and you’ll live forever. Its guaranteed when you join. Not only that but you’ll retain youth, vitality and good health forever. And your penis will grow. No question about that. You’ll become more beautiful. More clever. More… wonderful, than all those losers and tossers who do yoga, pilates, play golf, go fishing or waste hours of their life at Chelsea football club. I mean; just look at me!!! I’m 67, look… 65.5, possibly even 61!!!!, I’m fit, gorgeous and brilliant. And still act, in my wife’s words, ‘like a fucking juvenile’. Well they’re young, ain’t they??? Ever see any dead Chinese lying around? Exactly.

Its a bit of a puzzle why all the people in my club are so old, fat, ugly and stupid, but we’re all affected in different ways. This isn’t about them, its about MEEEEEE!!!

The article said that tai chi is more beneficial than any and everything else. But what people don’t get is that to ‘do’ the tai chi; that lovely flowing sequence of moves which are almost like a dance, you really need to understand what all the component moves actually mean. You can’t do ‘the form’, as we call it, without breaking it down into its constituents. Most of which are violent, brutal and possibly life-threatening. Yet once you understand that move, you then do it properly whilst doing your tai chi. Which is when it becomes more beneficial because you’ll strive to move your body more, stretching it more, flexing, twisting, bending, lining up arms and legs, to the point where its slightly uncomfortable. No strain, no gain.

So join a tai chi class now! You’ll live forever, whilst learning how to kill others so they don’t. And it’s supposed to improve your mind too. Heaven knows, that would hurt you either.

Happy qui gong Sunday,

A xxxx