The question that everyone really wants the answer to, the one which spawns a fucking industry of testing, research, trials, drugs, medical papers and general quasi-scientific statistical bollocks is ‘so when will I die?’

Its a fear we realise as soon as we’re old enough to actually comprehend the finality and futility of our pathetic little existences. That one day it will be over. Oh. My. Lord. Then I won’t be here any longer. But how will the world exist without me?? The answer to which is a rather sardonic: ‘it’ll cope’.

But no-one really wants to die. Other than, apparently, L’Wren Scott, who killed herself yesterday. Which is truly tragic. Not cos she’s some kind of b-list celeb, but because she must have been a deeply unhappy person. Though waking up next to Mick Jagger in the morning must be a bit like living in a horror movie. You’d just have to think it was a nightmare of Freddie Krugeresque proportions and then realise that, no, this was actually ‘reality’.

So after my ‘years of abstinence’ during which I’ve cut down my chocolate intake to a paltry 6 bars a day, reduced rich, frothy, fatty coffees to no more than 46 a week, cut fatty and fried foods almost completely out of my diet, except when I eat them, and generally adopted the healthy approach of living only for omega-3 oils and porridge so that my cholesterol will stay low and I’ll live to be 127, its now been shown to be wrong.

Saturated fats, (fried shit, processed rubbish, butter, dairy generally) will no longer kill you quite as quickly as a legless South Afrcian sprinter will if you take a pee in his bathroom. As was previously believed. The ‘live longer’ fish oils and ‘good fats’ don’t actually make you healthier, they just make you smell fishy (Conway et al, 2012).

Smoking cigarettes is now shown to be beneficial to heart, lungs and success with women. Particularly drunk women. Heroin reduces ‘bad cholesterol’. Exercise is the real killer; avoid at all costs. Take taxis.

Ok, maybe smoking’s not ready yet to be readmitted to the ‘okay in moderation’ list which has grown now to include everything we ever might want to eat or drink. Which is brilliant news for all of us. Because ‘in moderation’ is certainly open to definition, interpretation and debate.

Warning; all this ‘clinically proven nonsense will be contradicted in the next test to come your way’.

If only Einstein did diets. Then they’d not only work but be incontrovertible forever. Einstein did ‘forever’ like no-one else ever did. The scientists who weren’t involved in telling us that previously designated killer foods are in fact beneficial were out there in the sky measuring gravitational waves. Don’t ask, you’re just not bright enough. But these waves are ‘absolute proof’ that the Big Bang happened and the universe expanded in precisely the way that hairy Albert described. On the back of a fag packet in a Swiss cafe in 1912. In fact this is the last of the Great Man’s theories to be proven ‘beyond doubt’. Which is science talk for ‘beyond the comprehension of normal people’.

Einstein lived long, smoked loads, ate what he wanted and got to shag Marilyn Monroe.

A model for all.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx