I think HSBC should be praised for the 2 trillion (!!!) pounds worth of money laundering they’re responsible for over a 17 year period. It shows ingenuity, creativity, inspiration verging on desperation. They not only did this activity for companies they suspected of being ‘a bit dodgy’, but carried on even when assured that assumed dodginess was the real deal. That shows true determination right in the face of common sense, of regulations, even of what is actually legal. But carry on they did. ‘Fuck ‘em all!!!!’ they cried as they shifted masses of illegal funds around the world. Millions, billions and, eventually, trillions of the stuff.

So why is it that when I want to transfer £14.73 to the milkman’s bank account for 12 pints of semi-skimmed and a whole grain loaf, I have to find 7 pieces of ID, nine utility bills, 13 different passwords, 4 different user names and receive 7 coded messages by text before they let me do it? If you query this it is stated by your bank that this is to prevent money laundering. I find no inconsistency with this whatsoever.

We had an issue at work on Friday. Drain issue. Toilet blocked. Drain jammed up. Bad smell. Awful. It got even worse before the unblockers came, much, much worse but I’ll spare the details in the interest of keeping your breakfast down. But for an entire day we couldn’t use the toilet. So my receptionist went next door to our mates and used theirs. Whereas I just peed into the sink. Well why not? It’s easy, convenient and I would possibly say ‘a piece’a piss’ but that would be rather crass. However, I did think, at that point, that I’m so lucky being a man. I’m a man, ergo, I can piss in a sink. Now that’s what I call ‘gender fluidity’.

Carlsberg don’t make grandchildren. But if they did, they’d be Lila. Not that Joey isn’t the most wonderful grandson the world has ever seen, even if he leaves a path of destruction in his wake. Yesterday I was on the school run, taking Lila to her nursery. Or ‘university’ as I call it because SHE’S SO BRIGHT AND CLEVER, obvs. I arrived at her house to find her jumping up and down on the spot with excitement. She talked non-stop on the way there, rode her scooter from the car to the classroom, showed me where its ‘parked’, led me by the hand back to her waiting teacher and bounced up the stairs, carrying on the conversation but seamlessly with the teacher. En route we’d passed a little crying boy who wouldn’t let go of his mother and enter the building. Lila was fascinated by this scene. Counts as ‘drama’ in nurseryworld. And yes, she has been known to have a tantrum, does ‘have her moments’ of defiance, but generally, her boundless enthusiasm for absolutely everything is a total wonder. I’ll stop now.

Happy pre-‘nother-lockdown-day

A xxxx