There’s a fascinating article in today’s Times. It’s proper title is ‘the calorie swap guide’, but I use the working title: ‘FUCK DAT!!!!’

It tells you everything you deeply, profoundly, intuitively and educationally know. Which is that all the food you really love is massively high in fat, calories, poly-unsaturated stuff, E-numbers and death. Which is why it tastes so good. And by a quick and ‘painless’ substitution, you effectively eat ‘the same’ but stay healthier and obviously LIVE LONGER. Unless you get Covid, obviously, then, as you lie in hospital being fed through tubes, you have time to wonder whether replacing scrambled eggs with boiled eggs actually paid any benefits?

Cynicism aside (impossible, I know), it was very informative, useful and, as everything has to be to find space in your morning rag, life-changing.

Who’d know that if you replace your lunchtime burger (2, quarter-pounders, cheese, bacon, mayo, more mayo, extra fat, extra bacon, sausage, pepperoni and extra cheese), with a Brussel sprout wrapped in lettuce, you save 2,397 calories and ‘it tastes the saaaaaaame!!!!’

Yet really some of the ‘swaps’ were logical and simple and, dare I say, painless? Like pasta, f’rinstance. Who needs fusilli, tortellini and penne when you can eat those very same shapes made from lentils, kale and… errrr, yoghurt, cod-liver oil and spinach? Once you get over the revolting texture change and stop gagging you’ll quite enjoy it. Similarly, tinned tuna in spring water has exactly half the calories of tuna in oil. And precisely a quarter of the taste, but that’s a reasonable ‘swap’. Whereas smoked mackerel being replaced by prawns saves you about 70% of the calories, unless you keep kosher and then the saving is a whopping 100%!!!!! because you won’t eat the prawns at all.

However, there’s more to life than calories. Which, its also worth remembering, are a measure of energy, not just, like fatness. And mackerel is a massively good and fabulous food, which they’ve been banging on about for years and we all should be eating it 3 times a day. Because its loaded with goodness, with omega-3s and great, cholesterol-busting shit and live forever-ness and is what God eats when he’s gonna do some miracles or create heaven and earth or such like. And just because all that goodness carries a high energy-producing designation like calories, doesn’t detract from its superfood qualities.

So here’s my rules. Eat whatever you want. But if its creating problems, just eat less of it. Only order 2 chicken tikka masalas for yourself, instead of 3. Easy.

Happy substitutions

A xxxx