I’m normally very cynical and skeptical about scientific research. Not all of it, obviously. When they make cars go faster, that’s brilliant. New drugs, either for heart failure or for ‘recreational’, fantastic. I’m cynical because there seems to be so much research (a good thing, so you’d think) about such a load of bollocks (a bad thing) that it downgrades the whole field. ‘Researchers have shown…’ yeah, what now? Sugar’s bad, fat’s good, wine will kill ya, meat is poison, wine will make you live forever, sex with animals is a win-whinny, eat more mud, blah, blah, blahhhhh.

The ones that grab your eye though, are what we call ‘good science’. Which basically means any science that validates things we like to do and would probably do anyway, whatever the scientists said. “Watch more tv; its good for you”, really really good science. “Eat only vegetables, 12 times a day”, positively bad science. “Drink more alcohol”, very good science. “Praying is good for you”, awful science, “football’s good for you”, don’t need science for that one.

So today’s result. Drink more coffee; you’ll live longer. And I love that. Because its a result I want to hear. Ergo: its good science.

And its not like they asked some geezer carrying a Starbucks extra-shot skinny decaf mochiato with caramel and chocolate sprinkles if he was, like happy. Or if he planned to live longer. They followed 500,000 people (not like stalkers ‘follow’, but like scientists ‘follow’) all over Europe. And although during the length of the test 40,000 died (holy SHIT!!! and coffee’s good for you??) the ones who drank more coffee died less. Or died slower. Or less painfully. Or didn’t die at the same rate as the other uncaffeinated fools. So they reckon not only should you drink the stuff, but drink lots. At least 3 a day. Which I do on weekends but even I have limits. Also becomes such an expensive habit your later years will be in a Council care home which stinks of coffee-flavoured piss because you can’t afford the Palace for the Advanced, up the road, which smells of roses. Ok, and piss.

So be a good person, drink coffee, live forever.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx