The definition of ‘sport’ is as follows:

an activity involving physical exertion and skill in which an individual or team competes against another or others for entertainment.

So there you have it. Its simple, easy, unambiguous and, as ever, subject to great argument and debate.

Is golf a sport? Plenty of skill, low on exertion. Especially if you sit in one of those little buggies whilst doing it. Unless you can replace ‘exertion’ with ‘wearing really horrible clothes’, then possibly, it would have a case.

How about ice dancing? Exertion, yep, skill yep, but competition? Only as judged by others.

Me mate Keith has a simple criterion: if he likes it, its a sport, if he doesn’t, its a nothing and deserves to be ignored and treated with contempt. Like anything where judges hold up “6.8” or “4.7” once the performance has finished. Because really you could apply such judging to films. To pictures in a gallery. To cakes on a shelf. Doesn’t make them sport.

And skiing? Definitely exertion, especially when done really badly, and very skilful in an ideal world, not necessarily in mine, but its not really competitive, other than the inevitable spirit that exists according to the strict yet unwritten rules for men, in which challenges and dares and general testicle measurent devices are applied at every opportunity. “Call that a black run?? Bollox, I’m gonna do it blindfold. With only one ski. Black run… right”

The English Bridge Union has just failed in a bid to get that most regal of card games classified as a sport. Because if it is a sport then the money raised by them for competitions is NOT subject to VAT. Hence the EBU would be 20% richer than it is now. Which would represent a true finesse. But alas, those swine, those scummy vermin, those… those… those spoilsports at the Revenue & Customs have decided that bridge is not in fact a sport. Even though it is more skilful than jumping off a trampoline, more exerting than sleeping or sitting in a chair for protracted periods… in fact it is sitting in a chair for protracted periods, and its very very competitive.

Someone said ‘its not a sport if you can do it with a glass of whisky in your hand’. Yet darts players can hold pints of beer whilst engaged in their sport, as can snooker players between shots and Paul Gascoigne did at half time during international matches.

So to clarify: its a sport if I BLEEDIN’ WELL SAY IT IS.

I hope your tuesday was as wonderful as mine

A xxxx