New Years here. In case you missed it while I was away. Its a time for making (hollow) promises, for resolutions destined never to make it til February, for turning over a new leaf. And, like all new leaves, it will turn brown, fall off and be swept away with one of those horrible 2-stroke blower things at the hands of a Lithuanian called Guri.

And this years prominent resolution would appear to be ‘weather’. Nothing more, no explanation; just ‘weather’. Lots of it.

We left Mexico in a deluge of biblical proportions, a massive tropical storm, of which there had been many in our brief stay there. And we returned to an England under a continuing bombardment of its own storms. Flooding, river banks bursting, water, water everywhere.

Whilst America has frozen over. Just like in the movie ‘The Day After Tomorrow’, a big freeze. Hell hath indeed frozen over. And where’s Jake Gyllenhall when you really need him?

Here’s my New Year’s Resolutions: (I’ve tried for goals that are achievable):

Increase my alcohol consumption to meet government minimum standards
Eat more sugar
Eat more chocolate
Exercise less
Be more of a slob
Watch more sport on tv
Get lots of chocolate

Though if you do buy chocolate, don’t get it in the Duty Free.

Bottle of vodka; 18 quid in Sainsburys, 12 quid in the Duty Free. Bargain.

200 cigarettes (for those of YOU who still use such things) 35 quid in the D/free, or £600 in the local shop. Bargain.

But a pack full of Kit Kats; £14 in the Duty Free, probably about £2.60 in Tescos.
Big bar of Cadburys, retail price £2.50, sells in the Duty Free for $47

So is there some kind of ‘reverse duty’ on chocolate, some kind of subsidy? so that removal of duty actually increases the cost? Is that possible? Is that legal? Its certainly immoral to charge more for chocolate than is absolutely necessary.

And the most important resolution of all this year: IGNORE ALL DIETARY ADVICE.
The 5-2 has become the 4-3.
Sugar will still kill you but they’ve found more, hidden everywhere, secret sugar, like a midnight feast lying under the bedclothes waiting for parents to sleep. Bottled water contains 14 teaspoons of sugar. Fresh air; 19 gms per cubic litre, its everywhere. An epidemic. Sugar is the new heroin, the new antichrist, its communism for the new millennium.

I just ate a banana. Better go find a stomach pump.

Happy thursday (thursdays contain 12 gms more sugar than tuesdays, proven fact. Avoid them!)

A xxxx