England are in the ‘group of death’!!!!!

Just like they were last time, in the Euros, and the time before that in the last World Cup. The group of DEATH!!!!! Because its the group in which England generally die. So even if we happened to be grouped with San Marino, the Faroe Islands and Hawaii, it would still be THE GROUP OF DEATH!!!!! because England always die in football tournaments. As it is written. Ironic that this particular group of death was hand-picked by Sir Geoff Hurst, World Cup winning, 1966 hat-trick hero (that crossbar goal still stands, even after nearly 50 years of analysis).

So next year we’ll be packing up our hats and scarves, polishing up the trumpets and drums, ironing our St George crosses and setting off for Brazil, for the World Cup. Oh, and fishing out those abominable vuvuzelas we brought back from South Africa last time round.

In other words, we’ll probably buy a new tv. A 107″ super-duper ultra-HD monster screen so that when the players spit, you can really appreciate the colour, texture… eeeeuuuuw. And spend four weeks on the couch with dozen cases of Tesco Special Super-Saver World Cup Lager, six boxes of Primark crisps, hand fried by Sri Lankan children who wear no protective clothing, and a giant pack of Prozac for the inevitable depression.

By the time the World Cup arrives I’ll be ‘there’. With ‘there’ being a mental place rather than a geographical location. I’ll (hopefully) be eager for the games, having had a six week annual hiatus from the football by the time the tournament starts in June just in time for my birthday. Whereas right now, I’m bored with the World Cup already.

The other evening on the radio was a programme discussing who England MIGHT get drawn against and how that might go. Are they that desperate to fill air time? Who gives a shit if we might be grouped with Brazil, Latvia and Bosnia? What might happen if we face Spain AND Russia??? Its all rubbish. Might as well discuss UFOs or crop circles or peace in Syria.

So we have Italy and Costa Rica and Uruguay. Ooooooh. Could be worse, we could have Belgium, Spain and Germany. But the real problem is that England will be playing in places that have weather. As opposed to playing in perhaps the Large Hadron Collider which is weather free. One game is in ‘the jungle’. Hot, steamy with snakes all over the fucking place and you keep getting your boots caught in the vines. Oh, no, apparently its a stadium in the jungle. That’s quite different, I s’pose. Then in San Paulo in the ‘stadium of death’ where a crane fell on the workers and killed them. Not a good omen.

Basically, the gods of the World Cup have once again conspired against England.
We’ll get through the group, just, then get beaten by Brazil/Spain/Argentina or Germany on penalties.
Inevitable.
Same old same old.

I’m depressed already. Where’s my drugs, Nigella?

Happy saturday

A xxxx