This is the result of the latest research: ‘NEWS HEADLINES WILL KILL YOU!!!’ Its now been shown in tests (my kitchen, every morning) that the increase in anxiety, neuroses and panic attacks is enhanced by stupid fucking, attention-grabbing headlines that are essentially dishonest and therefore daft.

On the front page of the Times this morning, right at the top, even above the solar eclipse in America (I thought it was a metaphor for the Trump administration too but in fact its real), was the headline: “Gum disease sufferers 70% more likely to get dementia”!!!!! Holy shit!!! 70%. Then, (after flossing, brushing, rinsing, gargling, flossing some more and checking my gums fourteen times), I read on. Firstly the study was on Taiwanese people and they’re nothing like me. More gummy generally. Secondly, and possibly even more importantly, the sums they quoted didn’t add up to anything like 70%, more like less than 10% but they may not have published all the data properly. And then, the kicker, right at the end, that people with long-term gum disease are more likely to suffer from high blood pressure, depression and other shit which all increase likelihood of dementia. Factor those out (the article actually states) and gum sufferers ‘were not at a higher risk overall’. What did we learn (well I did) in statistics 101: “correlation is not causation”. If I wanted ‘sensational’ lies I’d read the Sun or the Mail. I (naively) expect more from the Times. Wrong again.

So we’re temporarily safe from dementia, even if our teeth are falling out. But what about tics? Matt Dawson, world-cup-winning rugby superstar (who sold his soul to Question of Sport to fund his long retirement) was bitten by a tic in Chiswick Park. Contracted Lyme disease and ended up needing two heart operations over two years of misery. You might be better off with gum problems. I wonder if you get tics in Taiwan?

But its all ok if you eat properly. Too many tomatoes (yesterday’s ‘superfood’) are apparently bad for you if you’re an ‘elite’ sportsman, like me. They prevent absorption of calcium which us sporty types need to prevent cramp. Snack on beef jerky. That’s the advice. Good for you body but hell on your teeth. Which are attached to your gums! Don’t these people see the big picture. And have greek yoghurt before bed. I’d rather sleep with the tics.

None of which prevented 50 million pound superstar elite Manchester City player Kyle Walker getting sent off last night. I allowed myself just a little snigger. Just one. Sniggering reduces carbon uptake by the quads. Unless you eat mangoes and tortilla chips to compensate.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx