Yaya Toure; best player in the league? Ground-breaking midfielder who is the new ‘complete’ player?? He’s big, very big, yet fast, and nimble, has quick feet, wonderful passer, goalscorer extraordinaire, moves like the wind, immovable force, the engine that makes Manchester City tick.

And a total fucking tosser.

Message to Yaya: if you want to leave Man City, just tell them. It will be hard, but they’ll get over it. Once they’ve spent the, what? 100 million? 120 million? that you’d command in transfer fees. But get over it they would. Because starting a fight with them over a fucking birthday cake is as stupid and childish as it is transparent.

Roberto Carlos was given a Bugatti by Anzhi on his birthday. Because that club was stupid and for a couple of years threw money all over the place to try and buy glory which almost succeeded before the owner cut the budget. Roberto Carlos probably got a Ford Focus for his next birthday. A used one. Such is life under Dagestani ownership. Where??? Don’t ask, I’ve never heard of it either.

No-one ever accused Yaya of being clever. That’s not his job. Otherwise he’d have taken over from Steve Jobs at Apple. So he has an agent. Just your normal bottom-feeding, blood-sucking, parasitical scumbag-in-Armani who performs some simple maths:

if Yaya stays at Man City, I get **% of his meagre £220,000 a week salary, for doing precisely, er, nothing. But if he goes to Barcelona, he’ll get a higher wage for me to plunder AND I get a hefty chunk of the transfer fee. Hmmmm. Which scenario leaves me with more cash…

So let’s find a reason to moan. A point of principle upon which escalation of bad feelings can reach crisis point and Yaya can leave. We can say ‘another team wants to pay him more’, but Wayne Rooney already played that card. Ok, let’s complain that ‘no-one loves me and I’m really sad’. That’ll play well in the media and create sympathy. Because everyone (under 7 years old) is miserable if all they get for their birthday is two cakes and no Bugatti, and therefore I’ll keep my pride intact.

Yeah, fucking right.

Two giants of sport retired from active service this week. Ryan Giggs and Jonny Wilkinson. Two of the finest left feet ever to grace the pitches of the world. Both were prodigal beginners, both worked hard, achieved greatness in their careers and were loyal to their teams and the games they represented. One of them shagged his sister-in-law but no-one’s perfect. Well, I suppose in a strictly moral sense Jonny W. is pretty perfect. Almost too perfect. Shunning fun and drinks with his mates to spend another 12 hours kicking a rugby ball between the posts. He was Mr Serious. Mr Totally-Focussed. But that can create an image of almost dullness. Whereas Ryan slept with his brother’s wife and then took out a superinjunction to have it banned from the media. Which didn’t go ‘that’ well otherwise we wouldn’t be talking about it today. But heh, everyone makes mistakes. And Ryan Giggs is allowed one. That we know of. I still love him. Not sure if the sister-in-law does.

Happy Wednesday, and belated happy birthday Yaya. McLaren’s in the post.

A xxxx