OMG!! The Queen has… she’s… well, Harry and Megan have been… they’re… errrr… excommunicated! Severed! Unroyaled! F’rever!!! And I simply don’t know if I can go on without them being… well, being royal. But they are. He’s a fucking Prince; how much more royal can you get???? And yet, there are protocols. There are issues. There are standards. Which define royalty. Which is why commoners like you find it all total and utter meaningless bollocks, whereas to anyone with a title, its really, really, REALLY important. Some inbred Earl up in Worcestershire has just moved up to 1297th in line to the throne. That’s important.

Her Majesty has in a way shot herself in her royal foot. Maybe that’s why she has footmen? Because now ‘there aren’t sufficient royals to go round’. Every regiment has to have a ‘patron’. Which is basically one of the Royals dressed up with a chest full of medals they didn’t earn, twice a year when the big guns come out. Literally. And now Harry and Meg have been ‘stripped’ of their patronages. Harry can still dress up as a Marine because he is one. Or was one. Or retired from; either way, he’s still allowed to stroll down Hollywood Boulevard in full battle dress. Where he’ll hardly even be noticed among the Darth Vaders, Harry Potters, Indiana Joneses, Buzz Lightyears and assorted and sundry drag queens. Meg can… well whatever she likes. No change there.

So I think the Queen should compensate for this loss of manpower by making me a royal. I’m perfectly qualified in that Lila gave me a spare tiara. From her Sleeping Beauty outfit. And wearing that I do feel unquestionably empowered. Positively regal. And I could take some of the strain, fill the void left by Hazza & Megga, inspect a few soldiers, check out a few boats, nod at a passing General. I wouldn’t even need a motorcade to get there. I’d go on my bike. Save a fortune. And all I want in return is a couple of old palaces, an antique carriage adapted to be pulled by Tibetan schoolchildren, (seen the cost of horses?) and ridiculously long-winded and overblown title, like the other Royals all have. Is that too much to ask?

Harry and Meg made a simple choice: continued patronage of the 917th Fusiliers or a contract with Netflix. No doubt which will raise their profile higher. And as Harry’s profile is unlikely ever to adorn a stamp, they’ve probably made the right choice.

Happy Saturday

The 97th Baron of Rutlandshire, patron of the Pretorian Guard, slayer of Olaf the Incorrigible, First Lord of the Rungs, Earl of Grey, Lucasian Professor of Aardvark studies at Peckham Poly…

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