So whilst me and Greta Thunberg are out test driving electric cars (VW ID3 was yesterday’s contender) setting our own gold standard for ‘zero emissions by 2022, the world’s collective leaders and other fuckwits were gathering in Glasgow for the ‘crisis conference!!!’ on the climate.

Fuckwits? Oh yeah. For who else but Joe Biden would so completely lack the sense of irony to turn up at an event specifically about reducing the world’s carbon in a fleet of jets, followed by a procession of (I lost count whilst watching it on the news) of about 15 immense, high-powered, 15-ton, bullet-proof, bomb-resistant, 2.5mpg SUVs filled with his ‘security’? Does he not know that Scotland has 3 bobbies on the beat to ensure his safety? Ok, one’s really fat, the other 2 have drink and drug issues and none have a gun, but still! It’s moronic. It sends the wrong message (1 rule for you, different one for us). It’s ‘making an entrance’, which really is not the point of COP26. And its like John Wayne storming into town in full True Grit mode for peace talks. Fill yer hands ya sunnovabitch.

The other 200-odd leaders arrived in private jets (the devil’s mode of transport), followed by hundreds of cars, none of which was even a fucking hybrid.

However it was all worth it once the meetings started. And the speeches were… well, spoken. First the Queen. She told those fuckers what we need. Then Sir David Attenborough basically repeated it. And then up strode Boris. Who said, kind’a the same thing. Which is: we’re in deep shit, speaking as a planet. Which Boris actually looks like. And we need to do… things of a very unspecified nature which we’ll lump together under the banner headline ‘reduce carbon’. Shoot coal. Throw away your diamonds. Ban Firework Night. No more barbecues.

I didn’t hear one proper ‘plan’. Just a lot of ‘throw a bunch’a money at the problem and then I’ll be dead and it’ll be someone else’s problem’. And lots of talk about ‘offsetting’ which is the wonderful loophole they’ve created to allow tossers like Biden to emit a year’s worth of CO2 just arriving in Glasgow.

So, along with the kids, I want to know how this is going to work. The sound bytes spouted in 73 different languages will not do anything. Especially when spouted in French.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx