I’m sixty. Holy shit. How does that even happen? Seemingly impossible and yet… and yet… one day you’re a young Turk (trying to get into Europe; eating kebabs, slaughtering Kurds…) and the next you get a message from the government offering you all kinds of benefits as befits someone your age. SOMEONE YOUR AGE!!!! Gotta say it louder.

So the travel pass comes, which is wonderful. I get free eye tests. That’s eye-ronic (old man type pun). And I get free medications. If fucking only. My main regret as I formally enter old age is that I’M NOT ON ANY STINKING MEDS, so where’s the benefit? I’ve asked for a cash alternative but they haven’t replied yet.

But first and foremost I’d like to offer my sincere and profound thanks to Theo Paphitis. He’s an Anglo-Greek, or a Greko-angle, I’m not sure. Greek bloke on Dragon’s Den. Rich. Owns Robert Dyas and Rymans and a few other downmarket, 1970s type retailers that still perform remarkably well, even though no-one ever admits to shopping there.

Theo runs a scheme, because he’s a canny retailer, of incentivising his managers. If they meet their target they get an all expenses holiday in the sun. Really nice, upmarket, non-Robert-Dyas type trip. Posh. In Mykonos. In fact to our resort. About a hundred pale and pasty Brits, a touch overweight, ranging up to ‘fuck me she’s MASSIVE!!’ and suitably tattooed as any representative group of Brits abroad should be.

And he spoils them. The managers from (judging by the accents), The Wirral, East Manchester, South Wolverhampton, West Wales, Central Glasgow, Lower Exeter, Upper Portsmouth and Bromley-by-Bow are all here. Among others. They drink all day and party all night. All on Theo. And last night was their gala whatever. We came down to take the shuttle into Mykonos Town for our celebratory dinner and wen’t to the bar for a drink. But the area had been taken over by Rymans. You could buy a stapler but not a drink. Well, it was open but they were busy pouring champagne for Theo’s gang. So I approached the barman and, whilst helping myself to a few glasses of champagne, informed him it was our anniversary. Which he didn’t understand but seemed happy for us to celebrate the sale of another 500 reams of high grade A4.

After that the waiter just kept coming over to re-fill us. 6 of us. We must have got through about 3 bottles before heading off for dinner. So thanks, Theo. My favourite dragon. Not that I could name another.

Happy birthday

A xxxx