This is now getting personal. Me and the Chancellor of the Exchequer. First we had ‘black-hole-gate’, into which Rachel Reeves blindly stumbled, and now it’s going to get much colder. Because La Chancellor has decided that the quickest way to pay off the 22 billion pound deficit in her mathematical ability is to get pensioners to pay it from their winter heating allowance. Which, for many of us, means that this winter I’ll be walking round a freezing cold house wearing all the clothes I own to try and keep warm because I can’t afford to turn the heating on because my 250 quid has to be thrown at the Black Hole. Maybe burn a few logs in the lounge. Maybe burn the sofa.

Its hard to think of the freeziness of mid-winter when we’re at the point of the summer when Weather ‘People’ (because we have boys doing it too now) are debating whether we are in fact in a ‘heatwave’ according to official criteria for such things. Or whether, as most of us ‘amateurs’ feel: it’s just a few hot days in a rotten summer of cold and wet, and about fucking time.

I’m applying for a new job for the winter heating bills. I want to be Kyle Walker’s mistress. No, I really do. Because the last incumbent in that post (I presume ‘they’re over!!!’ as they’re in court arguing) has a 2.5 million pound house, gets 350 grand a year, plus a new Mercedes, plus a nanny for the one-but-soon-to-be-2 children, plussssss… 500 quid a month for gardening (must be a big garden) and the same for the ‘hot tub’. In case its… not hot enough or not… tubby enough.

Thing is: when did ‘mistresses’ acquire rights? I thought that very word died in the war. I don’t want to get all Andrew Tate about this but I fully get Kyle has a definite responsibility to his children. I’m just not sure what she is being compensated for. She entered into a relationship with a married man. Who happened to be a millionaire footballer, which I’m sure had no influence on her love for the man, at all. She loved him for his… err… well, he’s a very fast runner, is Kyle.

Anyway; they’re in court ‘getting divorced’ yet were never married. He reckons he pays enough, she reckons she’s entitled to the status, lifestyle and respect of any self-respecting ‘influencer’ and ‘other woman’. I’m just not sure what the going rate for that might be.

Good work if you can get it though.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx