Her Majesty The Queen has announced (henceforth and forthwith and stuff) that Camilla Parker Bowles Windsor, the official Tart-Consort of His Majesty The Prince of Wales, (since he was about 12), shall, upon her abdication from the throne, whence Charles ascendeth to Kingdom of the Kingdom, be known, officially and foreverafter as The Queen Consort.

And that pisses me off. Royally. Because I wanted to be the Queen. Not to sleep with Charles, necessarily, I’ll leave that… honour?… to Camilla. But just think about it. The watchword of our times is ‘diversity’. So for the Queen (wrinkly, old, Christian white woman) to pass the title onto the basically the same thing but with a few more miles left on the clock, does nothing for ticking diversity boxes. In its entire history, the Royal family has only ever had one person ‘of colour’ and she was exiled to the Third World (California) with Harry last year. Whereas I am a man! I am Jewish!! I have colour, but only from a bottle. I could ‘identify’ as a trans thing, get a few more boxes ticked. I’d identify as a fucking tractor to be the Queen. And thus, by appointing me the Royals would step into the 21st Century. Otherwise its just more inbred Euro-white aristocracy waiting for some awful recessive gene to kick in and give us a king with seven toes and two heads. I’d be a great Queen. I can wave out of car windows all day, I’m brilliant at it. Practice daily.

Carrie Johnson is the Queen of 10 Downing Street. According to a new book by Lord Ashcroft, the former chairman of the Conservative Party. Boris won’t take a shit without specific instructions from the woman known as ‘Carrie Antoinette’. Allegedly. (In case any libel lawyers are reading this). Ashcroft has been damning of Carrie who he sees as the root of all evils and troubles in Number 10. He is ‘the woman scorned’ after having his political career ruined by the fact that he doesn’t live here, work here or pay any tax here. In fact he lives in Belize so he pays no tax anywhere. And just for that mere detail, that he is British by virtue of birth only, his constant attempts (mostly successful) at buying his way into politics with ridiculous donations have now been thwarted. So he wrote a book to slag off everyone else in Westminster. Starting with Carrie. And, pretty much ending with her too. Though she does need a lot of slagging off, no doubt about that.

How does this help Boris? Well, if I were the Queen…

Happy Sunday, my subjects and other peasants

A xxxx