Our wives are trying to kill us. There’s no doubt about it. Married men are three times more likely to be obese than single men. THREE TIMES!!! I read that in a very reputable newspaper. So it must be true. As a groom walks his bride away from the alter to a life of married… bliss?, his waistline starts to increase. She doesn’t have to feed him, it just grows and expands all by itself, merely by the knowledge that its owner is now married. Its an evolutionary thing. It ‘takes him off the market’ forever, thus increasing survival of the fittest. In the strictly Darwinian meaning of ‘fittest’, obviously. No-one dates a fat bastard. Stops ’em ‘straying’.

But I can see a flaw in the statistics. The ‘married’ and ‘unmarried’ men.

Unmarried men are either too young to get married, in which case they’re all skinny, or they’re ‘bachelors’ of a later age. And as we all know, ‘bachelor’ is an euphemism. No-one’s actually described anyone in that term since Quentin Crisp died and Oscar Wilde went to prison for being a ‘confirmed bachelor’.

So I wish to know the ages of all the people in this study alleging ‘3 times more likely…’

And their social demographic. Because as we all know, Northerners eat shit. Whilst we in the south eat free-range Ostrich-meat (no fat), flown in from… probably where ostriches live, on private jets, Northerners eat ultra-processed, high fat, no veg, tv-dinners from Lidl, blasted in dysfunctional microwaves. Even the Northern bachelors, like Jimmy Summerville, Marc Almond, they eat it too but somehow manage to keep slim.

But whilst husbands get fat, their wives stay slim. Go figure. At least they have a figure to figure.

Interestingly, married mens’ hearts are better than single ones. Which, considering they’re hauling round 17 stone of blubber with them, is quite a surprise.

And here’s the best bit: if wives die, their husband’s health deteriorates. Whereas when husbands die, there is no change in the widow’s health. BECAUSE THEY’RE SO BUSY LEAPING UP AND DOWN WITH THE JOY OF NOT HAVING TO WASH HIS UNDERPANTS ANY LONGER!!!

I didn’t say any of this is ‘fair’, its just what it is. According to some flawed mess of statistics or other.

Happy Thursday

The Husband xxxx