I am’a gay.
I am’a disabled.
I am’a Qatari.
I am’a a migrant worker.
I am’a really stupid Italian man in charge of football’s governing body, and’a desperate to try and make a case in support of Qatar. And’a if I totally lose the plot’a in any way’a, its just because I’m’a stupid and NOT’a because I’m’a taking (more) bribes to speak out for Qatar.

I was’a a migrant too you know. I went from’a Italy all da way to Switzerland.
And I am a European, but truly. And Europe has’a acted badly for 3,000 years! Yes, my very own Romans were very poor’a in’a human rights. Ask Jesus. So issa very ‘ypocritical to complain about Qatar’s issues with migrant labour. The Romans had slaves, FFS, Qatar only uses cheap labour from India, Sri Lanka and Bangla Desh because they’re in plentiful supply and no-one cares if a few (thousand) go missing. It’s the same thing.

Ok, issa different thing because the Romans were two-an-‘alf thousand years ago and Qatar is now, yes I appreciate that. But still… errr…

Well Britain should take note of using migrant labour!!

Some’a people said that I make this speech to try and dig FIFA out of the ‘orrendous black hole created when we awarded this World Cup to Qatar. Others say I’m being paid millions to say these things.

And’a because I’m not very bright and I’m defending the truly indefensible on all counts, issa very difficult. So I’ll mix up my comparisons, make claims that are frankly laughable, re-write history where possible and generally wish I’d stopped at ‘Good Morning’. But you see the worse light Qatar is portrayed, the more ridiculous becomes the position of FIFA. The most important organisation in the world. And now an organisations desperate to clean up its image after the Sepp Blatter/Michel Platini years. Or, ‘the years of plenty’, as they’re known at FIFA HQ.

So in making this speech you really can see that the lunatics have truly taken over the asylum.

Come to Qatar; issa lovely place.

Gianni Infantino
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