Well that’s it then. We now know that Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov are innocent of all claims that they tried to murder the Skripals in Salisbury back in March. They couldn’t have done it because they simply didn’t have time. They came on a whirlwind visit to measure the steeple on Salisbury Cathedral (123 metres, if you’re interested) and see why it is ‘one of the most must-visit places in the world’??) and see Stonehenge (a vvvunder of pagan constrrrrruction). Even though they didn’t actually appear to do either. Though they did appear quite a lot on local cctv cameras. They were in Salisbury for a total of about 2 hours, which is not a lot when you come all the way from Moscow. And having gone to all the trouble of acquiring false names and corresponding fake passports, you’d think you’d want to at least see the catacombs and the cloisters too, even though that entry might cost an extra £3.20 per Russian. The problem was that having travelled from Moscow to London, then London to Salisbury, arriving at the train station, they inadvertently walked the wrong way. Because it was probably quite hard to see the cathedral from there, with that steeple only being 123 metres tall, even though you can see it from fucking Scotland. Whilst ‘lost’ they happened to walk in the direction of and quite near to the Skripal house. Cctv camera coverage is not total, even in Salisbury, though it probably will be by now. There’s no coverage inside the cathedral itself because God’s watching you there so its not needed. But of course, they had no idea who the Skripals were, where they lived or anything about anything, just being ‘sports nutritionists’. Who presumably aren’t allowed to read anything other than ‘Sports Nutrition Weekly’. Because if they read anything else in Moscow it would have had the Skripals posted across the front page on and off for about 5 years. Mr Skripal has been a sustained and reviled hate-figure for a long time ‘over there’.

But Alex and Russ have answered all the questions and quite frankly I believe them. They’re very credible, not at all shifty and knew precisely the dimensions of Salisbury Cathedral. They’re just nice Russian boys. Leave them alone.

They’re going to make it compulsory to put calories on restaurant menus. So when you next order your (vegan version) veal in Fois gras with shallots and marrow-fat at Heston Blumenthal or fish’n’chips at Rick Steins, you’re going to know exactly how guilty you need to feel. This latest extension to the vast and accumulative nanny-statism regulations does have a good side though. Because you’ll be able to see that if you ‘hold the side salad’ when ordering the double bacon-cheese-burger with chilli-cheese fries, you’ll be saving 23 unnecessary calories. That you can more constructively use when ordering the sticky toffee pudding with double-cream custard and extra lard for dessert.

Happy low cal Friday

A xxxx