Let’s invent a scenario. An unlikely scenario. In fact the most unlikely scenario anyone’s imagined since the great plague of 1665.

Let’s say that a virus ‘escaped’ onto the planet, sent by aliens. Ok, I mean ‘alien’ as defined by UK Borders, rather than by Isaac Asimov or anyone in the eponymous movie.

So this ‘alien’ gets the virus in Chaiaiaiaina. Either (china)man bites bat or bat bites (china)man, same difference. And it spreads. And spreads. And goes ‘viral’, as well as in the literal sense, with the speed of a Donald Trump tweet about shooting protesters.

When it arrived on these shores the government procrastinated, deliberated, considered, calculated, postulated, obfuscated and masturbated. (On the grounds that they’re all a bunch of wankers anyway.) During which time the virus escalated beyond control. At which point the debate ended and the path was chosen. No longer deemed viable to go for ‘herd immunity’, we need to lock down. And we did. And the government paid our wages and gave us gifts and mortgages were deferred and shops and offices and factories shut down as the state took over, told us what to do, how to do it, and they’d pick up the bill. But it only worked in such a profound manner because the government used a ‘project fear’ technique, refined in the Brexit ‘debate’ (read: ‘FUCKING LIES!!!!’) They scared us shitless with images of hospitals unable to cope, virus-infected bodies lying foaming on the pavement in Regent Street, pointed top scientists at us who told how ‘YOU’RE ALL GOING TO DIEIEIEIEI!!!!’ if you don’t adhere to the rules.

Fast forward 9 weeks and we’re all busy sunbathing, gardening, walking 2 metres apart and enjoying ‘retirement’ even if we’re only 25 (as if). Wages paid by government, just like work but… without having to work. Let me think how I feel about that. Ok, done it. Thought it out (3.2 seconds) and I like it. Let me get it straight: I can either go back to work, risking life and limb on the tube, touching people(!!!!!!!!!) and being in constant danger. Or I can stay doing nothing and perfectly safe whilst still getting paid. Hence, 3.2 seconds.

So how do you get out of that? How can you ‘reduce the fear’ or make people feel comfortable again, having employed horror tactics for the last 3 months? And basically controlling the propaganda in the most negative way imaginable. How do you unwind all that?

Well how about finding a sacrificial lamb? Someone so high up that everyone knows him/her. Someone known to be cleverer than clever. And make him do something that seems stupid, illogical, contrary to every forced zeitgeist we now all know and adhere to. But which, in one stupid trip to Durham, with a side journey to Bernard Castle, made us all instantly re-think our own personal deprivations and wish them ended. Gave us all the righteous indignation to think ‘well if he can fucking do that, WHY CAN’T I?’ And thus created a desire to ‘return to normal’ that otherwise would be lost in the next episode of whatever Netflix serial pushes your buttons.

It’s a theory someone told me about. And the more I think about it…

Happy ‘what if’ day

A xxxx