Hello, my name is Suella Braverman and I am your Home Secretary. All of England. Few other bits too. But please note: that is HOME secretary, not HOMELESS secretary, that will be someone else. Anyone else. Not me. Not my job to pander to those spoiled and entitled dossers who choose to live in tents under Selfridges awning. My job is to clear the street of tents because they get in the way of middle-class voters.

But first I wish to discuss the up-coming, so-called, pro-Palestian march scheduled for Saturday. Armistice Day. An affront to… armistice. Because that is our national day of peace to celebrate war. It’s a day when we gather together to remember those lost in fighting for our nation and to garner hatred for all those not of our nation, the ones we didn’t manage to kill at the last two attempts. And we don’t want our peaceful day of Britishness upset by the waving of Palestinian flags all over the place. It would be rude. And inappropriate. I told this to the commissioner of police but he asked me, politely and considerately, to fuck off and leave the streets to him and his boys in blue. The march can go ahead, he said, and we’ll ensure it doesn’t impact on the solemnity of Remembrance Day. Particularly as that’s not in fact til Sunday, the day after the march.

I therefore had to take the matter further afield, as all those in my government seem hell-bent on applying ‘the right to protest’ and considerations of ‘freedom of speech’ to everything, without using the prejudice and bias for which they were voted into power. So I went to Tommy Robinson. He’s the leader of the British Defence League… possibly the Front for Britain’s Defence… The Nationalist White Person’s Brigade, whatever. But Tommy, if he’s not currently in prison, appreciates the sanctity of Remembrance Day. And so is prepared to deploy several of his ‘troops’ to help protect the innocent civilians marching for peace, from the vociferous jihadi hate-mongers who want to turn the demo into a call for the death of all Jews everywhere and turn Britain into Afghanistan. Because if that happened they wouldn’t be able to march anywhere, other than to jail. Tommy’s troops may be quite busy that day because Saturday is the day when British Defence Leaguers do their duty (kicking, stabbing, head-butting) at the other league, the Premier one. But this is even more important than supporting Chelsea.

In fact, if the truth be known, I’m opposed to the march totally. It’s a march of hate, and no-one wants that. No-one wants the incitement to violence, the outcry to destroy Israel and everyone in it, involved with it, supportive of it, or can just spell it properly. Or looks like they might.

When Tommy and his boys ‘march’ in their hob-nail boots in support of wars past, (they love nothing more than a good war which Britain won), it gets banned because of the expected racism and violence which will ensue. But if those same aims are proposed by a group supported mainly by champagne socialists from Shropshire, lefty-liberals from Lowerstoft and Corbynites from Colchester, then that’s ok, even though there will be powerful minority, led by irritants from Iran, to get the spray paint out and desecrate anything representative of ‘The West’. And they don’t mean ‘the west end’.

I will do all in my power to represent you until they carry me away wearing white coats or my Prime Minister sacks me. Either of which could be imminent.

Yours sincerely,

Suella xxxx