Quantas planes no longer appear to bear the name Quantas. Instead they bear the legend ‘the spirit of Australia’. Almost as if that would be something to be proud of, even boastful about. I mean to me that’s like putting ‘Loud, brash and arrogant’ as your mission statement. Would that encourage business? Whereas in fact when you’re on board they’re really very nice.

I’ve been on a plane for about 2 days now. Well, its actually a day and half because you get the other half back when you go home. It’s like you have to lend 12 hours to the great universal limboland as a deposit payment against your holiday, then they give it back to you at the end. And just when stir craziness is becoming a viable lifestyle option, you arrive. And you’re about to land but… they decide that you need to circle round for an extra 15 minutes before you land. Just so they know you ‘really want it’. And because 25 hours is NOT QUITE LONG ENOUGH FOR ANYONE TO SPEND ON PLANES IS IT??????

But now I’m here. In Australia. And its big and its vast and its cloudy and grey and looks exactly like London when you can’t see the sea. Which you can from my mates’ house but we’re not staying here this time. Because they have hundreds of people coming over for their daughter’s wedding next Sunday and so WE have to go to a fucking hotel, as if we’re…. tourists or… foreigners. Though we’re at their house now, which is lovely. And as they’re not here it gives us a few days to steal whatever we can. In fact I’ve lifted most of the kitchen flooring already as its really nice and will look super in my garage at home.

This afternoon we’re going to the Hunter Valley. Where the wine comes from. We’ve never been there before and I love a winery. Been to them all over the place and they’re always beautiful and lovely. But I shall confirm this for you, fear not. Once I’ve sobered up. Hic.

Happy whatever-the-fuck-day-it-might be

A xxxx