On Question Time the other night for the weekly Dimbleby political debate, were the usual Westminster luminaries (UKIP), losers (lib-dem), tossers (tory) and no-hopers (labour), plus A.N.Other. They always have one. Someone outspoken and politically savvy, maybe a journalist, political columnist, author, satirist, tv commentator or someone ‘worthy’. This week it changed. They chose someone unworthy. A bleedin footballer. Not just any footballer (they were greatly limited by the requirements of ability to speak English, the ability to string a sentence together without a dozen ‘ya-know’s and ‘at-de-end-a-da-day’s, and an IQ at least as big as their shoe size) but Joey Barton. One of the finest English footballers ever to have a disciplinary record (both in football and in the criminal courts) way longer than any honours he’s earned plying his trade. Yet despite the fact that Joey has been imprisoned for assualts, for violent conduct on and off the pitch, for the best sending off ever in a football match (at Manchester City when he was red carded for elbowing Carlos Tevez in the face, but on his way off the pitch found time to kick Sergio Aguero AND try to headbutt Vincent Company as well; credit where credit’s due here) and for being a provocative and aggressive fucker for all his career, I really like him.

Not just because I’ve always thought him an immense talent which, if he spent as much time working on it instead of causing trouble, would have seen him as one of England’s best midfielders of his generation. But also because he is actually rather clever and very funny. Not always intentionally so, but funny nonetheless. And never more funny than when you’re not merely being mildly offensive, but when you’re taking the total bollox that is political correctness and ramming it up the enormous arse of some fat tart who could use a good shaggin’ by a big black geezer who’s her uncle.

And this, unintentionally, was what Joey did. When asked why he thought UKIP had done so well at the elections, Joey made an illustration in his terms, in words that all ‘young’ people can really get their heads round. And he said: its like going to a club and there’s four really ugly birds and you think; well, this one’s not the worst, so I’ll give it one. That is the parallel. UKIP; the ugly bird that 30% of the population is prepared to vote for as a ‘charity mission’. Brilliant, Joey, just brilliant.

But footballers are no the only ones who really need guidance before being allowed to speak. Gwyneth Paltrow (blessed be her name, and the stupid names of her children) is so upset by people criticising her and being offensive about her that she has likened her role to ‘like being in a war’. Ok, good one, Gwynnie. So being a soldier on the front line with bombs going off and bullets firing all around; that’s like being a blond bimbo who drinks green slime and writes ridiculous rubbish her innane blog. Yep, I get that one too.

Whereas Charlize Theron likens the constant intrusions into her life by papperazzi and journalists and whomsoever, that she says ‘its like rape.’ The only difference being, presumably, that one is actually, er, ‘rape’, with all its evil, physical and psychological associated trauma, and a horrendous assault that lives with the victim probably forever; and the other is spending half your life being an attention-seeking self-publicist who has trouble turning it all off.

Ahhhh, its all so tragically fucking inappropriate, like farting in front of the Queen. Or being a UKIP candidate.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx