It used to be that ‘you are what you eat’. Which made me chopped liver and Cadburys chocolate. Which in turn I had difficulties conceptualising. But now, in the UK, it is more a case of ‘you are how you speak’. Because how you act can only get you so far, particularly in Britain, the rest is down to your regional accent. From which stems opportunities, slammed doors, ridicule, misunderstanding and career-deciding preconceptions.

And its all about those preconceptions. Presumptions. Assumptions made on the most fundamental of things; accent. So there are moves to include ‘regional accents and social status’ as part of the ‘diversity statements’ of large companies. Scuse me while I just take a moment to vomit. I personally would find that a touch ironic coming from a government made up of Eton-Oxbridge alumni and staffed by an entire civil service of white men with university degrees wot speak posh. Maybe that’s just my preconception.

In case you are that rarest of rare people, so rare that they can’t actually exist in the real world, who makes no automatic and instant judgments based on the very first syllable coming from someone’s lips, I need to help you. To guide you through the vast range of possibilities that arise from England’s regional accents. (Next week I’ll do Scotland and Wales and Ireland so for now they can just be included in the ‘foreign: so no need nor point in talking to them at all’ category).

Normal speech. Proper. Not plummy, not affected, just pronouncing nicely and clearly with no use of ‘at-da-enna-da-day’ or ‘yeah-no’. Basically: London. Good people, possibly intelligent, nothing to presume here.

Yorkshire accent. Thick.
Lancashire accent. Thicker.
Midlands accent. Thickest.
Geordie accent. Unintelligible.
East Anglia accent. Thick due to inbreeding.
West country accent. Same.
Cockney. Make your ears bleed. But good, hard-working, honest-to-goodness thieves, crooks, con-men and throat-slitters.
‘Estuary’. Same as cockney but for people who have trees where they live.

So now you have it, the definitive guide to pre-judging people by their accents. And I suggest you use it in all your social interactions. So you can always remain superior.

Yours loftily

A xxxx