If you’d gone into a coma in January and just woken up; well, obviously, you’d be begging to be allowed back into that coma, but if they didn’t let you, there’d be a whole new world to re-enter. With different words. New words. Or old words realigned. So I think its worth offering a few good, useful working definitions of some of the words and phrases now in common usage but which didn’t exist last year.

Pandemic.
An epidemic changes to a pandemic when two things happen. Firstly, when it becomes global and secondly when Boris Johnson is in charge of it. And epidemic is exclusively medical. A Pandemic is when the powers that be elevate it to a problem in each and every facet of life. Preferable term: shitstorm.

Lockdown.
The ‘lock’ is effectively what happens to the population who are locked in. And the ‘down’ refers to what happens to the economy as a consequence. Preferable term: lockdisaster. Alternatively: shitstorm.

Quarantine.
This involves going straight home from the airport and going nowhere for 14 days. Except maybe to walk the dog. Or someone else’s dog. The goldfish. Otherwise NOWHERE. Ok, maybe the pub just for a quick one. Or two. Then HOME. Then out again. It’s just finding the correct balance between civic responsibility, personal sanity and stocks of alcohol.
Preferable term: a 2-week bender.

Bubble.
This is the selected group of people that you care insufficiently about that you’re happy to infect them. Alternative term: anyone you know.

Rule of 6.
This refers to the 7, 8 or 9 people who are allowed by Boris to meet in certain situations. People arriving at your house but parking down the road do NOT count as part of the 6. Nor do others who arrive by other means. For Christmas the Rule of 6 means no more than 27 people together in one house, bed or sofa. Adhering to social distancing, obviously.

Banned words.
Handshake.
Hug.
Birthday Party
Conga chain.
Football fanS.
Moshpit.

I hope this helps. Otherwise, try Comas-for-us, who offer special family rates.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx