Phew, what a relief, the pandemic’s over. Finished. Beaten by medical science. A couple of German Turks, or Turkish Germans (think: Mezut Ozil in a white coat) who run Biontech have, with a little help from Pfizer, made a vaccine which is ‘90%’ effective against Coronavirus. To put that in perspective, Joe Biden is 90% effective against Trump. Ok, poor analogy, we want optimism and hoorah, not boring and JUST FUCK OFF!!!

And this is the game changer. No more shouting at friends because no-one knows what two metres really looks like without floor stickers. No more dinners in the garden in the rain. No more restrictions. I can spit on the roads again. We won’t have to sneak into Lila’s house fearing the Covid Police and nosy fucking neighbours. The word ‘bubble’ can go back to rhyming slang, where it belongs. And you can hug again. In fact hugging will be compulsory. With strangers. With the tube driver. Shop assistants. Policemen and, more importantly, police women. So we can try to regain some of the essential humanity of… humans. NO MORE MASKS!!!! Although ugly people will still be advised to wear them for safety. Of others.

And this vaccine will be available before Christmas. Because it has tested 97% effective in turkeys. And they’ll have 40 million available. But you need 2 each, so that’s 20 million people released from slavery and constraint. Oh. But Britain alone has 60 million people. The world has 7.7 billion people. Maybe give smaller doses, spread it round a bit. Hmmmm. Where’s Diane Abbot when you need her? (Answer: you NEVER need Diane Abbot). But Britain has already ordered… about 5 million. So that’ll take care of the NHS workers, who really need it, and my dad, because he’s 96 this week, and… and… and that’s it really. We’ve run out 6 weeks before its available. Vaccines are like toilet rolls; you have to get in early and panic buy.

The tests have been successful, they just need to perform a few ‘safety checks’. Like, side effects. Issues developing from the guinea pigs. Like newfound linguistic skills. Dark spots on the skin. Light spots on the skin. Extra testicles growing. Any mental activity involving Elvis. And then and only then will it be fit for use.

And there are others just around the corner too.

Coronavirus? Oh yeah, I remember that…

Happy Liberation Day… almost.

A xxxx