Chelsea suffered the abject humiliation and dire, almost-unheard-of misery yesterday of actually not winning a match. What a fucking tragedy. How shameful. Can they ever hold their gelled-up heads up again in decent company? Not that Chelsea players would mix with decent company.

And so unaccustomed are the boys in blue to such failings that their esteemed manager had to not only find someone to blame, but to extend his blame-mongering, which we’re almost used to, into a full-blown conspiracy theory. His own word: ‘a conspiracy’ of English referees against Chelsea!!!!! Because yet again his flailing swans failed to receive a penalty decision after a double-salchow, triple-somersault pirhouette in the box by Cesc Fabregas. Which looked not totally dissimilar to last weekend’s effort by Ivanovic or the previous weekend’s by Costa.

Chelsea are the only team to have a training section for ‘penalty acquisition’. The head coaches are Darcey Bussell and Tom Daley. And their players are encouraged to leap around collapsing at every possible opportunity. Then, when this practice wins a penalty, that’s a win, and when it doesn’t nothing’s lost. In fact there’s a gain. You gain a reputaion for being a bunch of diving, cheating, horrible little tossers. Unless you can come up with a pretty damned good excuse. Or even a laughably pathetic one, like a conspiracy theory.

Jose Morinho is two seperate people; the lovely, cuddly, handsome, smiling, generous version when Chelsea have just won, and the miserable stupid wanker when they don’t.

Mauricio Pochettino only has one persona: unintelligable Argentinian. But at least he’s consistent and nice. Even when, as yesterday, no penalty was awarded after Wayne Rooney’s penatly area semi-strangulation bear-hug on Harry Kane waiting (patiently) for a corner kick. Perhaps because realistically, a point is a good result against a suddenly quite awesome Man United, or perhaps because he shows class.

The final Homeland of the current series aired last night and I almost watched it live. What a brilliant series. If they award an award for the most jittery, nervy, manic, unpredictably bi-polar character ever on tv, it would be a toss-up between Claire Danes and Jeckyl & Hyde. She is totally brilliant whilst constantly making you feel nervous and uncomfortable whilst watching her.

Happy Monday from sunny Heathrow, Terminal 5.

A xxxx